Finally

It's been over a year since I last wrote or had anything worthy of writing. Everything is the same, busy, stressed, struggling to stay afloat while trying to figure out where I am heading. Things are slowing coming together and making some sense - essentially I know what I don't want in my life, and have spent the past 9 months of getting rid of those things. I've tossed things that I once regarded as memories - they weren't memories, they were chains holding me back from living my life. Once I realised this and was able to emotionally detach myself from the 'things' around me, I felt as if an enormous weight had been lifted from my shoulders. I still have anxiety over things but its getting easier to let go. I finally am cutting ties with my past - including people that I had once respected, but who appear much different now that they are no longer in my life. It is very refreshing to see things differently - to not react or respond to my usual triggers. I'm not quite at a place where I know what I want, I am isolating myself and I'm okay with that. I'd rather stay in and not face life or society or people.. the city is getting more crowed, the commute is longer and people are selfish.

While in PA recently, I saw this book at the 2nd and Charles bookstore.. I had to get it because it had my name all over it:

Tidy the F*ck Up: The American Art of Organizing Your Sh*t

Fall has arrived!

The weather has become much cooler in the past few weeks and leaves are changing colours. The picturesque landscape is beautiful and I'm looking forward to taking it all in. I am not in the best of places but I'm still here. I was in a groove a few weeks back - started using the ASICS app again, put in 2- 3 workouts/runs a week and was beginning to feel good. Yes, that will be followed by the sound of a 'but' unfortunately. I don't know why or what causes me to go off track, to throw in the towel so soon. I don't know if its work, relationships, feeling hopeless about the future - there are too many things swirling around in my head. Thanksgiving came and went and I can't say that I was thankful for anything, I sometimes feel as if what is my purpose, why do I continue down this road of doom and gloom. I can't get 'happy' really happy - the kind where "you feel it deep inside, and you know this by the big smile as if to say, if this were the last day of your life, it was all worth it" - that is the kind of happy I keep chasing but never finding.

Setbacks, disappointment and helplessness

This Friday, Toronto's CNE (Canadian National Exhibition) will open its doors to two weeks of fun, rides, events; all signalling the end of the summer. I never like this time because it's when the wasps begin mating and they are more aggressive, which means I tend to avoid places where there are piles of garbage. Who am I kidding!  I avoid outdoor activities period. This summer was especially difficult for me because of how I managed change and uncertainty at work.

A few weeks ago my brother introduced me to his boss at a non-profit because he thought that I would be a great fit for a job that was opening up (my brother's) and I had mixed thoughts about this. One, I honestly am tired of operations as a job - I dislike managing people, I hate financials, and I definitely wouldn't want to follow in my brother's footsteps - he's the complete opposite of me and I would not live up to his reputation. I tried to tell him that I wasn't interested but he kept pushing it as a great move that could open doors later on down the road. I had the interview last week, and honestly, I failed miserably.

I don't do well at these things - I lack confidence and it shows. I don't have a presence, people look at me as the 'finance person' in the back office - not up front. While I didn't think I had a shot, there was a slight hope that this would be an option, but today, learned they were going with someone else. The ED said it was more about the optics of being the sister and how this would look for the organization. I thought that was a poor excuse - since this would happen with anyone - the aboriginal community is small, and everyone is related to everyone. So this has left me feeling inadequate AGAIN.

My brother tries to lift my spirits saying, 'it was probably a blessing in disguise', and that there were some personalities their that could be challenging, but thought I could manage. The ED did say that if I ever needed to make connections, we would gladly help in that way. I may take him up on that - but I have my own network too. I need to tap into them now - and get some advice, pointers - so I can make this business idea work. I will be doing some work with my brother's company - so this will be a test to see if I have what it takes.

On days like this though, my self-esteem is in the toilet and I can't do anything.

Happy Not Celebrating My Birthday Day

Today I'm not celebrating another year on this earth, rather, I'm celebrating that I have survived. It has been an emotional rollercoaster over the past few months. I suspect that the stress at work played a big role in it. I feel as if I have been here before; standing at the fork in the road or crossroads and wondering which road to take as in the famous Robert Frost poem, The Road Less Travelled:

Somewhere ages and ages hence:

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—

I took the one less traveled by,

And that has made all the difference.

I have a couple of options but my intuition is telling me to take that road 'less travelled'. The signs are all there.  For the past three weeks I was enrolled in an TESOL class through Oxford Seminars. I signed up for emails a few years ago and never made it to one of their info sessions. I had always wanted to travel and look at ways to supplement my income. This never happened and yes, there is some regret not doing it sooner. I have regrets that I didn't follow through on that move to Berlin years ago. But in June, I finally made it to one and seriously thought about the possibility of leaving everything behind and travelling abroad for a year. Enrolling in this class would let me see if this is something I could do or even want to do anymore.

It wasn't until I found myself facing the reality of facing the unknown at work, getting a lead for a potential new job doing the same work of managing operations. Do I stay in uncertainty or go for stability? Decisions, decisions.

Happy New Year - Will this be THE year...

Lately the weather has been miserably cold and snowy, when will this end?! I really wish that I could take off to a beach, but work and personal pressures are keeping me here at least until March. I have a new temporary job that is causing a lot of anxiety, but I feel really good when I am accomplishing things professionally - AND to be acknowledged for my efforts and achievements.

Early days at the 'condo' where both Silas and Raven (my black cat) sat on the ledge

I am planning a move soon immediately due to unforeseen bullshit circumstances in my condo. So its looks like I'm heading back to the city and closer to my work. I don't know for how long but eventually wanting to get out of the GTA - Niagara Falls is still there - don't really care about those friends acquaintances at that the farm anymore. It hurts when people treat you like an afterthought,  who don't care and expect me to be the one to keep in touch. This is why I am pulling back from everyone this year - why should I care or want to meet up with anyone, everyone lies, pretends to be your friend, pretends to care, but they are all self-absorbed phoney's. Someone texts me and I respond as soon as I can, but send anyone else a text??? ..... and its silence. When I see them, they are like, ah I saw your text but couldn't respond (you mean, you couldn't be bothered to respond). This is why I can't be bothered. I want to just get in my car and drive away from this place.. and go someplace where no one knows me, and I don't know anyone.

My aunt was down over Christmas and it was really nice to see her again - we 'get' each other, and if I had the money, I'd get a place and have her move in with us - but D. probably would not be happy... hell, he can't handle the dogs...

Anyhow, I will be reaching out to a realtor this week, and have her look at my place (need to clean it up first!) and see what minimal things I can do... Wherever I go - they MUST take dogs otherwise, I may end up back in a owner situation, where I will definitely look to see who the property management company is...

Kawartha Cosette on her way home

 I will miss this place, it's been a wild and crazy 10+ years, but its time. The people have changed, I hate the commute, and after spending time working in the government, I quite enjoy walking downtown, being close to so many cultural and outdoor activities - where people are diverse, and open minded.

California Dreamin' on such a winter's day

Well, it hasn't really been fall weather yet - after what seemed like the worst summer in my mind, we finally have the 30C weather I have been waiting for since last spring. Life appears to be getting better, more stressful, but I have the confidence to make decisions, do what I want and not care what about anyone else but me. Since February, I've lost 54lbs and down clothing sizes that I can actually wear things I never thought I would get into. D tried the diet but gave up after 2 months, and I'm sure has put back the weight he lost. I'm disappointment in him and that he doesn't try. I know what that's like and I think I waste to much energy getting him to do things. We are not going to last and I've already emotionally given up on this relationship. Once I sell up, I will pay him what I owe and move on without him. We don't have a relationship, we just occupy the same space. I need to start making plans and do things to get this place ready to sell. Save money and buy that place in the sun once I start my business.

Summer Dreams - Done

So the summer came and went so quick, so much that I didn't feel like we even had a summer! I've been feeling really depressed the past few months - my road trips have been solo and I like that. There is something about driving alone, alone with your thoughts, or just listening to the music that brings a sort of comfort - that I enjoy. I enjoy the silence. Silence Is Golden.

I've lost approximately 54lbs since end of January - and I still feel fat. I can't wear tight clothing without feeling like I have to cover up my fat. I'm not sure if I have an eating disorder or if I'm just used to being fat. I can't stand eating - I hate food, I'd rather starve myself than eat poison.

I love my job but I hate some of the people I work with. I'm going crazy from all the work I am doing and people I have to support. My fucking mouse keeps jumping all over the place - I hate my laptop too. What the fuck. I think I want to die. I know I want this all to come to an end at some point, soon.