Setbacks, disappointment and helplessness

This Friday, Toronto's CNE (Canadian National Exhibition) will open its doors to two weeks of fun, rides, events; all signalling the end of the summer. I never like this time because it's when the wasps begin mating and they are more aggressive, which means I tend to avoid places where there are piles of garbage. Who am I kidding!  I avoid outdoor activities period. This summer was especially difficult for me because of how I managed change and uncertainty at work.

A few weeks ago my brother introduced me to his boss at a non-profit because he thought that I would be a great fit for a job that was opening up (my brother's) and I had mixed thoughts about this. One, I honestly am tired of operations as a job - I dislike managing people, I hate financials, and I definitely wouldn't want to follow in my brother's footsteps - he's the complete opposite of me and I would not live up to his reputation. I tried to tell him that I wasn't interested but he kept pushing it as a great move that could open doors later on down the road. I had the interview last week, and honestly, I failed miserably.

I don't do well at these things - I lack confidence and it shows. I don't have a presence, people look at me as the 'finance person' in the back office - not up front. While I didn't think I had a shot, there was a slight hope that this would be an option, but today, learned they were going with someone else. The ED said it was more about the optics of being the sister and how this would look for the organization. I thought that was a poor excuse - since this would happen with anyone - the aboriginal community is small, and everyone is related to everyone. So this has left me feeling inadequate AGAIN.

My brother tries to lift my spirits saying, 'it was probably a blessing in disguise', and that there were some personalities their that could be challenging, but thought I could manage. The ED did say that if I ever needed to make connections, we would gladly help in that way. I may take him up on that - but I have my own network too. I need to tap into them now - and get some advice, pointers - so I can make this business idea work. I will be doing some work with my brother's company - so this will be a test to see if I have what it takes.

On days like this though, my self-esteem is in the toilet and I can't do anything.

Myspace

I just cleaned up my blogs over an myspace...leaving just a few of the funnier more memorable ones to reflect on. Things are definitely not the same over there. Life as I knew it (in myspace) is no more. A few key people who I felt I connected with are either on Facebook or have dropped off somewhere. I have emails of others who I will contact and hopefully keep in touch. I like the simplicity of Facebook, but hate how boring it is. At least with myspace you visit a profile and each one is radically different from the next. Getting there in one click used to be a problem, now it appears Facebook is lagging much like Myspace was back in the Spring of last year (06). So as I listen to the beautiful voice of Wayne Jackson (http://www.myspace.com/waynejackson or www.waynejackson.de), 'Everything is Beautiful'. I am anxiously waiting for a solo album to hit Itunes or atleast be available here. I was almost tempted to book a flight to Berlin - but now that I am going to put a deposit on a female pug this week, I think my place is at home while I prepare the meeting of Duchess and Silas. Duchess...maybe, maybe not. I want to name her, all my pets have been named by friends, for once I want to name her. And I can't name her Coco.. Gabi (Gabrielle).. oh well, I have a few days to decide. Hopefully all goes well.