I would love to live in this apartment for 3 - 6 months.

Summer in the city... pugs, real estate and new journeys

The summer is officially on the downward as we enter into what usually is the CNE and the end of summer. It hasn't been a great summer but has been a bit productive.. I finally ordered my kitchen, and really (no, really!!) starting to get rid of things and feeling hopeful that things will be better. I am still depressed and have anxiety over my life.. not having any vices to rely on is forcing me to really feel things which I am not sure I am used to. I want to get out of here as soon as I can so I can start a new life somewhere else. I love my job but feel that I need to get what I can out of it and start setting myself up to do better things. I know I can - I just need to focus and stop eating/drinking shit. The pugs are doing better - Moana is starting to get chunky and Lyric is just plain crazy. But I wouldn't trade them for the world. Yes, I still miss Cosette and Silas - I actually travelled out to where I adopted them years ago (Norwood, ON and Kawartha Lakes ON) and felt it was right that I drove through there on the way to Ottawa. Lyric still has medical issues but nothing that holds her back.. she's still on a low protein diet, but no meds. Will write again soon.. 

Hello World.. #covid19 opened my eyes.

I haven't wrote anything for some time and wonder if this even helps me. Writing used to allow me to express myself and sort through all the feelings and emotional upsets that continue to plague my life since I was a child. I've not moved forward and continue to repeat mistakes which will eventually be the death of me. My dreams are all lost - I have nothing left. The loss of both my pugs in February (Silas) 2020 and the traumatic loss of Cosette in October 2019 have left a hole in my heart and don't think I will ever recover nor do I want to.. I am more sad and depressed especially since I've been working remotely due to Covid19 - once upon a time, I would have loved to be working from home but it's made things more complicated and real. I realize that I am not in love with DS and don't want to be with anyone. I went and brought home two new pugs after Cosette left me - these two have been so active, and have kept me busy. Financially its been a bit much since the one pug needs an operation that is 5K - 7K. I don't know if I can even give them the best home they deserve. The lump of shit that lives with me needs to go and I think my life will be better. When I was here by myself and no guy in my life, I felt free and somewhat happy - no one to judge me, no one to say derogatory
shit to me. I need out.

Setbacks, disappointment and helplessness

This Friday, Toronto's CNE (Canadian National Exhibition) will open its doors to two weeks of fun, rides, events; all signalling the end of the summer. I never like this time because it's when the wasps begin mating and they are more aggressive, which means I tend to avoid places where there are piles of garbage. Who am I kidding!  I avoid outdoor activities period. This summer was especially difficult for me because of how I managed change and uncertainty at work.

A few weeks ago my brother introduced me to his boss at a non-profit because he thought that I would be a great fit for a job that was opening up (my brother's) and I had mixed thoughts about this. One, I honestly am tired of operations as a job - I dislike managing people, I hate financials, and I definitely wouldn't want to follow in my brother's footsteps - he's the complete opposite of me and I would not live up to his reputation. I tried to tell him that I wasn't interested but he kept pushing it as a great move that could open doors later on down the road. I had the interview last week, and honestly, I failed miserably.

I don't do well at these things - I lack confidence and it shows. I don't have a presence, people look at me as the 'finance person' in the back office - not up front. While I didn't think I had a shot, there was a slight hope that this would be an option, but today, learned they were going with someone else. The ED said it was more about the optics of being the sister and how this would look for the organization. I thought that was a poor excuse - since this would happen with anyone - the aboriginal community is small, and everyone is related to everyone. So this has left me feeling inadequate AGAIN.

My brother tries to lift my spirits saying, 'it was probably a blessing in disguise', and that there were some personalities their that could be challenging, but thought I could manage. The ED did say that if I ever needed to make connections, we would gladly help in that way. I may take him up on that - but I have my own network too. I need to tap into them now - and get some advice, pointers - so I can make this business idea work. I will be doing some work with my brother's company - so this will be a test to see if I have what it takes.

On days like this though, my self-esteem is in the toilet and I can't do anything.

Summer Dreams - Done

So the summer came and went so quick, so much that I didn't feel like we even had a summer! I've been feeling really depressed the past few months - my road trips have been solo and I like that. There is something about driving alone, alone with your thoughts, or just listening to the music that brings a sort of comfort - that I enjoy. I enjoy the silence. Silence Is Golden.

I've lost approximately 54lbs since end of January - and I still feel fat. I can't wear tight clothing without feeling like I have to cover up my fat. I'm not sure if I have an eating disorder or if I'm just used to being fat. I can't stand eating - I hate food, I'd rather starve myself than eat poison.

I love my job but I hate some of the people I work with. I'm going crazy from all the work I am doing and people I have to support. My fucking mouse keeps jumping all over the place - I hate my laptop too. What the fuck. I think I want to die. I know I want this all to come to an end at some point, soon.

A road trip to Harrisburg, PA

It's already April, and the weather is starting to get nicer, the birds are singing, flowers are starting to bloom... and I"m in the mood to do some travelling. After what seems like such a long winter, I'm ready to get out there. Heading back to PA this weekend, exploring the area and possibly hitting up the Hersey factory. Harrisburg is a great city, they have a nice downtown area to walk around and grab some food at one of the many restaurants. Check out the National Civil War Museum, although small, it has tons of artifacts on display. The next trip will include a trip to the Gettysburg National Military Park. In July they have a re-creation of the Gettysburg battle. If I can figure out how to upload my iphone pix, I will post.

Summer is almost over...

"A journey is a person in itself; no two are alike. And all plans, safeguards, policing, and coercion are fruitless. We find that after years of struggle that we do not take a trip; a trip takes us."

John Steinbeck

The summer has been busy with assignments and this research paper on sustainable development. Along with work and the personal issues with BF and the ex-roommate, it hasn't been easy to focus. Struggling with my own issues, I often wonder why I even bother with anyone. I feel as if I'm always giving and never getting anything back. Maybe I'm too used to being on my own, doing my own thing without the help of anyone. I don't like having to rely on others and I feel that as I start this new journey with the BF, things are going to be challenging. 

This year has been a sucky year for travel. What I missed this summer? My trip to the US east coast: Cape Cod/Orleans - Nauset Beach! and Long Island - Southampton.  I never went to NYC on my birthday either.  I returned to Pittsburgh and probably will never go back. I am going to Chicago in September. Next week I am going to Ottawa for three days and most likely will spend my time on my computer, with the exception of Sunday due to a wedding.

I'm in a rotten mood right now so I may come back and turn this around into some feel good post about being in the company of someone who loves me or I may not. My horoscope said it was a bad weekend in the love department. Below, some cheesy MySpace gif:)

summer is over

~ tomorrow I will watch my last movie from this years' Festival. I felt as if most of the movies I saw dealt with old people, and really depressing subjects. Reclaim Your Brain was my favourite and I think I will have to look for it when it becomes available on DVD.

TIFF07 films that I viewed:
Atonement
Love Comes Lately
And Along Come Tourists
Wolfsbergen
Shadow (Saturday)
Reclaim Your Brain

goals for the remainder of summer

~ driver's license for scooter! + safety course.
~ York University course signup, confirm
~ learn how to use Photoshop CS or another programme similar.
~ get a smurfette dj drawing, even if I have to do it myself.

positano

i really was fascinated with this boat that was docked in the bay area of positano for atleast 2 days during my stay a while ago.

What I Did Over The Summer

gee, its been over a month since the last post. My niece and nephew both celebrated birthdays, my brother had an anniversary, and maybe a handful of friends have went on vacations. I did a few quick trips cross the border, including a short trip to NYC the weekend just past. Too short really, I am planning another one in late October - early November.

I am thinking of studying German again, I will be taking a vacation there in December, so I would like to have some german behind me to get by auf alone.

Flooding in N'awlins, really bad stuff. I don't know too much as i haven't been keeping up with the news.