Happy Not Celebrating My Birthday Day

Today I'm not celebrating another year on this earth, rather, I'm celebrating that I have survived. It has been an emotional rollercoaster over the past few months. I suspect that the stress at work played a big role in it. I feel as if I have been here before; standing at the fork in the road or crossroads and wondering which road to take as in the famous Robert Frost poem, The Road Less Travelled:

Somewhere ages and ages hence:

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—

I took the one less traveled by,

And that has made all the difference.

I have a couple of options but my intuition is telling me to take that road 'less travelled'. The signs are all there.  For the past three weeks I was enrolled in an TESOL class through Oxford Seminars. I signed up for emails a few years ago and never made it to one of their info sessions. I had always wanted to travel and look at ways to supplement my income. This never happened and yes, there is some regret not doing it sooner. I have regrets that I didn't follow through on that move to Berlin years ago. But in June, I finally made it to one and seriously thought about the possibility of leaving everything behind and travelling abroad for a year. Enrolling in this class would let me see if this is something I could do or even want to do anymore.

It wasn't until I found myself facing the reality of facing the unknown at work, getting a lead for a potential new job doing the same work of managing operations. Do I stay in uncertainty or go for stability? Decisions, decisions.

Summer Dreams - Done

So the summer came and went so quick, so much that I didn't feel like we even had a summer! I've been feeling really depressed the past few months - my road trips have been solo and I like that. There is something about driving alone, alone with your thoughts, or just listening to the music that brings a sort of comfort - that I enjoy. I enjoy the silence. Silence Is Golden.

I've lost approximately 54lbs since end of January - and I still feel fat. I can't wear tight clothing without feeling like I have to cover up my fat. I'm not sure if I have an eating disorder or if I'm just used to being fat. I can't stand eating - I hate food, I'd rather starve myself than eat poison.

I love my job but I hate some of the people I work with. I'm going crazy from all the work I am doing and people I have to support. My fucking mouse keeps jumping all over the place - I hate my laptop too. What the fuck. I think I want to die. I know I want this all to come to an end at some point, soon.

US Election results

So Trump has one. Hilary Lost. But.. has this election motivated people to vote or to walk away. I'm not concerned that Trump will do everything that he says he wanted to do. Its a democracy, he doesn't have a dictatorship where he has full reign over everything. Its a sad day for #women though. America basically said it would rather have a racist male than an #woman.

Happy 2013 ~ this is my year!

Happy New Year!

I am happy that it is 2013! I am well on my way to this being my year for successes. I just need to stay focused and get rid of the distractions that will pull me down. Did my resolution run on New Years Eve, in 31 mins, which is really good. Now I start training for the Good Life Half Marathon in April. I plan on doing a few 5 and 10K's this year, with the other half marathon in September. I'm not ready for anything more. Still working on my fitness levels and losing a few more pounds. Less travel this year because that is what kills me  - no proper fitness and nutrition plans in place. No more excuses!

2012, so far....

Well, the second part of the year is underway. January to July went by super quick and I've accomplished much during that period. Upon returning back from a gluttonous Mexico trip, I needed to focus on getting health and in shape. I do not want to have the same issues as many of my friends and family ~ so I committed to getting in shape. Unfortunately, it wasn't until mid April that I started to really make a change and see the results! I was beginning to enjoy hitting the gym, eating healthy and no processed foods. Working with coworkers and a fitness expert, I managed to drop 10 lbs like that, *snap*. Since April, I've managed to drop back down to the weight I was when I started to lose control of things, about 4 years ago. I'm better off as I have a clearer idea of where I want to be, who I want to be around and I'm cutting out those people who have never given me the time of day. I really don't want to be a number on someone's friend list. I recently did a purge on Facebook and I guess I offended someone, I'm like whatever, I don't need your drama. I'm on a roll, I'm at the gym everyday, started running and I love it! I can't be around people who live unhealthy lifestyles, because I view it like an alcoholic ~ if you must eat what you eat, I don't want to be around you because I'm very vulnerable and do not want the temptation. I prefer to be around those who share a similar view.

tonite....

It's the end of 2007, and what a year it has been. As I prepare to get ready for this evenings festivities, I look back and celebrate how far I have come. Two years ago I could not have imagined that i would be where I am today. I have a lot of work to do in 2008 and there is no time for slacking. I must focus on what needs to be done. Naturally, the usual new years resolutions apply: more exercise ~ atleast get back to my weekly schedule; save money (paying bills off); do my driving test in the first 5 months; Ryerson course starts in January/February; and possibly Ibiza in the summer, with a side trip to Berlin/Hamburg. So those are my plans for the year. Ich habe keine zeit for messing around this year. Happy New Year.

If I could...

I would buy a car, pack all my belongings, and hit the road for some soul-searching quest across this planet. Just me and my dog, driving along the open roads, no destination in mind, just driving. I look forward to sitting behind the wheel. For now, I am patiently waiting for my driving instructor to get his calender right and schedule so consistent days with me. I had most of last week off, had a lesson scheduled on Sunday and then on Thursday morning. Sunday, as luck would have it, we had a major snow storm - so no lesson. No problem, John says, see you on Wednesday, I answer, you mean Thursday right? I had to clarify that as I had to work Wednesday. He says yes okay. Wednesday evening, following my first Board meeting for the condo, I arrive home to a flashing message on the answering machine. John calling, he's running late but will be there at 9:30am. Wait a minute, I think. Our lesson is tomorrow. Next message, John calling, he's waiting downstairs, and if I don't show up in the next few minutes he will have to leave. I should call the office to schedule another time and there will probably be a $20 administration charge for a late cancellation. What!? Unbelievable, this is really pissing me off. I fork out $1400 and I can't even get behind the wheel because of one thing or the other. I am really not happy at this point. I have decided that I am going to request another instructor or have them transfer them downtown and have them pick me up at work. I can't learn this way - it will be a waste of time and money on my part.

more thoughts and future goals

So, after all the snow that fell last night, and as I watched it continue to fall today, I was not surprised when John called to cancel the lesson. Lovely. I knew that would happen. I had hoped to have these lesson closer together, while all the information is fresh in my mind. I can't even remember what the hell I am supposed to do first (other than putting the key in the thingy and starting the vehicle). I know I have to turn some lights on, fix the windows, and move some stick thing into N or D (if those are correct). No one around me has vehicles, my brother just bought a new car (sehr tuer!) and I can't see him letting me go out in that. My other friends have vehicles but I don't even want to ask (or accept their offers to practice). I'd be devastated if anything should happen). So while I spent this afternoon cleaning and getting rid garbage. I really am a packrat. I have pay statements from 1998. Out comes the shredder and no more statements. I made a profile on MSN Spaces (yes, I broke down and went for it) I even added all my web profiles, including this blog. As December begins, I have to think about what my goals for the new year will be. I need to get rid of all the negative influences in my life, I begin the formal process for my conversion to Judaism (something that was started way back in '90 but never went through with it) ~ I've tried to live as a jew, following the teachings, and now I feel I am at a place where I know this is what I was meant to do - I am not going to be swayed. Most people that know me well, are aware of my beliefs. If they don't accept them or can't respect me for my choices, what can I do? Not much. It is my decision, and I alone must decide for me, and not for what should be. On another topic, all but one predictions were true. I have yet to meet this 'person' - but I know that I will, when it is right.

goals for the remainder of summer

~ driver's license for scooter! + safety course.
~ York University course signup, confirm
~ learn how to use Photoshop CS or another programme similar.
~ get a smurfette dj drawing, even if I have to do it myself.

Life Skills Coach Training

Finally, it is over!!! I just spent a week [July 11 - 15th, 2005] attending this intensive facilitation course at the ywca here in Toronto. I am impressed that I even completed it (however, I did feel the urge to take off mid-week, but stuck it out) The heat wave didn't help matters. Met some really nice folks, and was able to step back and look at things differently. My job: although it didn't seem like much (which I guess I sort of preferred) was some printing, designing handouts, very brief presentation (which didn't involve too much) and naturlich, i messed it up. later..