Goodbye my friend...

 Last month, I received a DM from a friend on Twitter. They told me that they heard a friend of ours had died. It was about 3 weeks earlier that I last messaged him (texts) and he never gave any indication that he was sick or dying or even really that bad. I was so upset by this but as time went by, I realized this is exactly how he would want to go. His Facebook page had posts up until October 11th in the early evening. He apparently died that day. I will miss him and had always thought we would eventually get back together because we pretty much were okay. I was surprised that he was living with someone as well. No mention of girlfriends from him.. but I sensed he was trying to get back with me, but he - like me - settled for what was the current situation. As I write this - I realize that maybe I don't want to do that or end up that way. Am I happy? I don't know. I've started this program that I found on IG on relationships with alcohol. I know I don't want to drink, and that for the most part, I drink as a self-destructive pattern - to escape dealing with issues that I don't want to deal with. the current other thinks I drink too much and that I need to stop. Every time I drink, I tell him I don't want to be with him, and then he throws that in my face - by saying he won't listen to me when I drink.. so goes the endless circles of drinking to deal with him, and then him not listening to me when I say get out. What the FUCK do I do about this??? RIP Joseph, I love you and will miss you dearly. 

Happy New Year - Will this be THE year...

Lately the weather has been miserably cold and snowy, when will this end?! I really wish that I could take off to a beach, but work and personal pressures are keeping me here at least until March. I have a new temporary job that is causing a lot of anxiety, but I feel really good when I am accomplishing things professionally - AND to be acknowledged for my efforts and achievements.

Early days at the 'condo' where both Silas and Raven (my black cat) sat on the ledge

I am planning a move soon immediately due to unforeseen bullshit circumstances in my condo. So its looks like I'm heading back to the city and closer to my work. I don't know for how long but eventually wanting to get out of the GTA - Niagara Falls is still there - don't really care about those friends acquaintances at that the farm anymore. It hurts when people treat you like an afterthought,  who don't care and expect me to be the one to keep in touch. This is why I am pulling back from everyone this year - why should I care or want to meet up with anyone, everyone lies, pretends to be your friend, pretends to care, but they are all self-absorbed phoney's. Someone texts me and I respond as soon as I can, but send anyone else a text??? ..... and its silence. When I see them, they are like, ah I saw your text but couldn't respond (you mean, you couldn't be bothered to respond). This is why I can't be bothered. I want to just get in my car and drive away from this place.. and go someplace where no one knows me, and I don't know anyone.

My aunt was down over Christmas and it was really nice to see her again - we 'get' each other, and if I had the money, I'd get a place and have her move in with us - but D. probably would not be happy... hell, he can't handle the dogs...

Anyhow, I will be reaching out to a realtor this week, and have her look at my place (need to clean it up first!) and see what minimal things I can do... Wherever I go - they MUST take dogs otherwise, I may end up back in a owner situation, where I will definitely look to see who the property management company is...

Kawartha Cosette on her way home

 I will miss this place, it's been a wild and crazy 10+ years, but its time. The people have changed, I hate the commute, and after spending time working in the government, I quite enjoy walking downtown, being close to so many cultural and outdoor activities - where people are diverse, and open minded.

Summer is almost over...

"A journey is a person in itself; no two are alike. And all plans, safeguards, policing, and coercion are fruitless. We find that after years of struggle that we do not take a trip; a trip takes us."

John Steinbeck

The summer has been busy with assignments and this research paper on sustainable development. Along with work and the personal issues with BF and the ex-roommate, it hasn't been easy to focus. Struggling with my own issues, I often wonder why I even bother with anyone. I feel as if I'm always giving and never getting anything back. Maybe I'm too used to being on my own, doing my own thing without the help of anyone. I don't like having to rely on others and I feel that as I start this new journey with the BF, things are going to be challenging. 

This year has been a sucky year for travel. What I missed this summer? My trip to the US east coast: Cape Cod/Orleans - Nauset Beach! and Long Island - Southampton.  I never went to NYC on my birthday either.  I returned to Pittsburgh and probably will never go back. I am going to Chicago in September. Next week I am going to Ottawa for three days and most likely will spend my time on my computer, with the exception of Sunday due to a wedding.

I'm in a rotten mood right now so I may come back and turn this around into some feel good post about being in the company of someone who loves me or I may not. My horoscope said it was a bad weekend in the love department. Below, some cheesy MySpace gif:)

January 21 - Blue Monday?

According to some British scientist, Monday was supposed to be the most depressing day. Well, I for one, was not tip toeing through the tulips that day. Here's what the CBC had to say on this...

With the TSX plunging more than 500 points on Monday morning, more than a few Canadians might give credence to a British psychologist's pseudo-scientific formula that indicates Jan. 21 will be the most depressing day of 2008.

Cliff Arnall began calculating the happiest and gloomiest days of the year back in 2005 while working as a professor at Cardiff University in Wales.

At the behest of the British travel industry, Arnall devised a "Blue Monday" formula that calculates factors such as weather, debt, time passed since Christmas, failed New Year's resolutions, low motivation and the need to take action.

While there is no scientific support for Arnall's theory — some might find the formula 1/8W+(D-d)3/8xTQMxNA itself too depressing even to contemplate — anyone suffering from the winter blues or just a bad case of the Mondays can take comfort in the fact that they aren't alone.

Health Canada estimates two to three per cent of Canadians suffer from seasonal affective disorder (SAD) and another 15 per cent of Canadians suffer from a milder version simply known as the winter blues.

These seasonal conditions can affect moods, sleep patterns, appetites, energy levels and concentration. Exercise, experts say, is the best way to keep seasonal depression at bay.

Here are a few tips from Health Canada:

• If you are already active, try to maintain or increase your level of physical activity.
• Exercise outdoors during daylight hours.
• If indoors, exercise by a window.
• Build activity into your lifestyle, for example, by taking the stairs or public transit and walking part of the way to work.

Hmmm, that explains the 'light lamp' my boss had sitting on her desk today...

Don't get me started on moods. I should be an expert by now, especially all the money, time and pills I've seen in my younger years (gee, did I just say that?)


anyhow, as I deal with cultural confusion, debating whether to get back into therapy - whatever I decide to do, I really need to focus on it this year.

Death

Because I could not stop for Death 

BECAUSE I could not stop for Death-- 
He kindly stopped for me-- 
The Carriage held but just Ourselves-- 
And Immortality. 

We slowly drove--He knew no haste 
And I had put away 
My labour and my leisure too, 
For His Civility-- 

We passed the School, where Children strove 
At Recess--in the Ring-- 
We passed the Fields of Gazing Grain-- 
We passed the Setting Sun-- 

Or rather--He passed Us-- 
The Dews drew quivering and chill-- 
For only Gossamer, my Gown-- 
My Tippet--only Tulle-- 

We paused before a House that seemed 
A Swelling of the Ground-- 
The Roof was scarcely visible-- 
The Cornice--in the Ground-- 

Since then--'tis Centuries--and yet 
Feels shorter than the Day 
I first surmised the Horses Heads 
Were toward Eternity-- 

Emily Dickinson 

another frequently occuring dream

This one is just f~Up. I can't understand it, so I'm just going to throw out items, scenarios etc without actually going into a narrative...So in this dream, there is dark house, the main activity takes place in kitchen, I see a fridge, stove, table (more like a booth from some 60s diner). My aunt and I are in this house, the building itself is very narrow, there is a staircase leading to the basement and one upstairs. As we explore this house, there are areas that are hidden or passageways that lead to different areas - this building seems haunted. We return to the kitchen, and I am sitting with my aunt at the table, discussing something, when someone comes into the kitchen, and there head falls off and rolls on the floor. We both run around this house trying to find a way out and all the windows and doors are locked. There are only candles lit, and the flickering has cast shadows on the wall to expose the blood stained walls. I am freaking at this point and we somehow manage to get outside to a unpaved road. We are running through a forest with tall trees. We continue running as something is chasing after us. Finally get to a paved road and are running along the middle yellow line. Something is pulling my aunt up and as I try to catch up, she is rising up further away from me, I can see my outstretched hand trying to catch hers and I can't reach it and I am usually crying at this point, which wakes me up as I am actually crying. So I did go into a narrative. I only sought out a few meanings from the online dictionary. I also included some that I don't remember, but have had dreams about...

• To discover secret passageways in your dream, parallels to something new and/or exciting that is occurring in your waking life. It may refer to new opportunities, a new relationship, or a new attitude toward life. If you wake up before fully exploring these passageways, then it suggests that you may not know how to go about taking advantage of these opportunities or how to move forward with a relationship. Perhaps the newness and uncertainty of this discovery also makes you a little more cautious. This is a positive dream.

• To see a pigeon in your dream, suggests that you are taking the blame for the actions of others. Pigeons also represent gossip or news. You may be expressing a desire to return home.

• To dream of a porch, represents your personality, your social self, your facade and how you portray yourself to others. Consider the condition and size of the porch. In particular to dream of an enclosed porch, suggests of your tendency to distance yourself from others and your desires for privacy.

• To dream of an opened porch, signifies your outgoing nature and welcoming attitude.

• To dream that someone or something is in pursuit of you, indicates that you are refusing to acknowledge a certain viewpoint or idea.

• To dream that you are in pursuit of someone or something, suggests that you are being denied of your power and influence. You need to re-evaluate your strengths and concentrate your efforts in something more worthwhile.

• To see a red hot oven in your dream, symbolizes you will be loved by friends and family for your devotion and unselfish nature. Alternatively, it symbolizes the womb. You may be in anticipation or fear of having children. Consider the phrase " a bun in the oven".

• To dream that your oven is broken, signifies many vexations from children.

• To see a burning candle in your dream, signifies that good luck and hope will be coming your way in small and steady amounts. You are in a comfortable stage in your life and may be seeking spiritual enlightenment. Lit candles are also symbolic of intellect, enlightenment, awareness or the search for truth.

• To dream that you are in a dining room, represents your quest for knowledge and understanding. You may be reaching an important decision in your life.

• To see the woods in your dream, represents life, fertility, rejuvenation, and spring. Alternatively, it symbolizes the unknown and unconscious. You need to be more open-minded to discovering your potential and instinctual nature.

• To dream that you are walking through the woods, signifies your return to an aspect of yourself that is innocent and spiritual.

• To see a staircase in your dream, symbolizes change and transformation.

I have had this dream every other year since my teens. I haven't had it in a while, but the previous dream might be a indicator of things to come.