Merry Christmas and a happy new year

Another year on the books, and what can I say - has it been better than the last? Not really. I feel like I keep making the same mistakes; never changing my ways, and never learning from what I already know for a better fulfilled life. I'm not as obsessed with death and my eventual ending, but should be focused on what I can do to live my best life with the time I have. Also, I need to pay attention to my health. My habits need to change for better ones such as exercise, walking/running. Read more, eat/drink less. quit sugar. I've not been one to eat sweet stuff, but I can't stop. Candy, chocolate. bad. chips, and fries, need to go. I'm not getting younger. 

Goals for the new year - focus on learning some coding skills, writing, reading more. Hobbies - crafts, jewelry, playing the ukulele, calligraphy, journaling. 

Walks with the dogs - I joined one of those walking challenges - walk Paris (53km) within 2 months. It's something to get those steps in and get me outdoors. The dogs will love me for it- well, they will be healthier for it. When the days get longer, the walks will be longer. twice a day. 

We both are bad for this, but we both force ourselves as much as possible. 

I keep thinking of my babies Silas and Colette and me not taking them out as much. They loved it when I did. I can be such a cow. 

My relationship is one that I sometimes think I should just walkaway from because it's not healthy for either of us. We share the same goals of travelling and working abroad (not in Canada). Work right now is okay, and I've been busy doing a lot - but still struggle with staying focused. The #ADHD meds have helped tremendously. It's amazing how I can focus on tasks, but not all the time. 

Hopefully 2024 will be much better. I have a coaching group starting January and I think this will keep me on track. I've started using crystals daily, but need to focus on these: 

Crystals - rose quartz, lapus lazuli, clear calcite, green aventurine, hematite. 

Goodbye my friend...

 Last month, I received a DM from a friend on Twitter. They told me that they heard a friend of ours had died. It was about 3 weeks earlier that I last messaged him (texts) and he never gave any indication that he was sick or dying or even really that bad. I was so upset by this but as time went by, I realized this is exactly how he would want to go. His Facebook page had posts up until October 11th in the early evening. He apparently died that day. I will miss him and had always thought we would eventually get back together because we pretty much were okay. I was surprised that he was living with someone as well. No mention of girlfriends from him.. but I sensed he was trying to get back with me, but he - like me - settled for what was the current situation. As I write this - I realize that maybe I don't want to do that or end up that way. Am I happy? I don't know. I've started this program that I found on IG on relationships with alcohol. I know I don't want to drink, and that for the most part, I drink as a self-destructive pattern - to escape dealing with issues that I don't want to deal with. the current other thinks I drink too much and that I need to stop. Every time I drink, I tell him I don't want to be with him, and then he throws that in my face - by saying he won't listen to me when I drink.. so goes the endless circles of drinking to deal with him, and then him not listening to me when I say get out. What the FUCK do I do about this??? RIP Joseph, I love you and will miss you dearly. 

Finally

It's been over a year since I last wrote or had anything worthy of writing. Everything is the same, busy, stressed, struggling to stay afloat while trying to figure out where I am heading. Things are slowing coming together and making some sense - essentially I know what I don't want in my life, and have spent the past 9 months of getting rid of those things. I've tossed things that I once regarded as memories - they weren't memories, they were chains holding me back from living my life. Once I realised this and was able to emotionally detach myself from the 'things' around me, I felt as if an enormous weight had been lifted from my shoulders. I still have anxiety over things but its getting easier to let go. I finally am cutting ties with my past - including people that I had once respected, but who appear much different now that they are no longer in my life. It is very refreshing to see things differently - to not react or respond to my usual triggers. I'm not quite at a place where I know what I want, I am isolating myself and I'm okay with that. I'd rather stay in and not face life or society or people.. the city is getting more crowed, the commute is longer and people are selfish.

While in PA recently, I saw this book at the 2nd and Charles bookstore.. I had to get it because it had my name all over it:

Tidy the F*ck Up: The American Art of Organizing Your Sh*t

California Dreamin' on such a winter's day

Well, it hasn't really been fall weather yet - after what seemed like the worst summer in my mind, we finally have the 30C weather I have been waiting for since last spring. Life appears to be getting better, more stressful, but I have the confidence to make decisions, do what I want and not care what about anyone else but me. Since February, I've lost 54lbs and down clothing sizes that I can actually wear things I never thought I would get into. D tried the diet but gave up after 2 months, and I'm sure has put back the weight he lost. I'm disappointment in him and that he doesn't try. I know what that's like and I think I waste to much energy getting him to do things. We are not going to last and I've already emotionally given up on this relationship. Once I sell up, I will pay him what I owe and move on without him. We don't have a relationship, we just occupy the same space. I need to start making plans and do things to get this place ready to sell. Save money and buy that place in the sun once I start my business.

The Ides of March

Beware.. the ides of March is almost upon us. I am in the final weeks of courses and I am getting anxious and overwhelmed with the pressure. I am looking forward to having some free time to read, learn a new language, or even take a general interest course (TESL). I am getting the itch to move away from here, I am not really happy with living in this area anymore. The weather is awful, many of the people I come across are just rude and full of entitlement. Maybe I should just sell up and move elsewhere in the City. I have my boyfriend and between the both of us, we should do well together. But if and when I get this degree, it should be able to open doors for me. I feel unchallenged at work, all the skills I picked up at school, I rarely use in the workplace. I love the people I work with, and the community - but I rarely get a chance to do anything outside the office. I understand the boss needs me around, but I know I could do so much more.

Relationship is good, much better, although there are times when I wonder if I made the right decision. I may be too set in my ways - too independent I guess. Does this scream independence:)

Where Has The Time Gone?

Here we are, nearing the end of February, a rather cold and snowy year so far - the summer can't get here quick enough. I've got my travel plans for the first half of the year planned. School until mid-April, hoping I pass everything and then I can enjoy the summer, stress free! Signed up for the Good Life Half in May, I need to do better than my last one (2:43), but running outdoors has been a challenge. I am not comfortable with running in snow and slush for fears of twisting my ankle. Thankfully, I have discovered yoga and using other machines in the gym.

Its almost moving day for the other half, and I think things will change once he's completely moved in. If not, then I will have a miserable year. I'll have to wait and see what happens. If Valentine's Day is any indicator... my life is over.

Summer is almost over...

"A journey is a person in itself; no two are alike. And all plans, safeguards, policing, and coercion are fruitless. We find that after years of struggle that we do not take a trip; a trip takes us."

John Steinbeck

The summer has been busy with assignments and this research paper on sustainable development. Along with work and the personal issues with BF and the ex-roommate, it hasn't been easy to focus. Struggling with my own issues, I often wonder why I even bother with anyone. I feel as if I'm always giving and never getting anything back. Maybe I'm too used to being on my own, doing my own thing without the help of anyone. I don't like having to rely on others and I feel that as I start this new journey with the BF, things are going to be challenging. 

This year has been a sucky year for travel. What I missed this summer? My trip to the US east coast: Cape Cod/Orleans - Nauset Beach! and Long Island - Southampton.  I never went to NYC on my birthday either.  I returned to Pittsburgh and probably will never go back. I am going to Chicago in September. Next week I am going to Ottawa for three days and most likely will spend my time on my computer, with the exception of Sunday due to a wedding.

I'm in a rotten mood right now so I may come back and turn this around into some feel good post about being in the company of someone who loves me or I may not. My horoscope said it was a bad weekend in the love department. Below, some cheesy MySpace gif:)