It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas…

This year, I am going to be more prepared and in the festive spirit. And there will be no ‘spirits’ this year, it’s time to put them to rest and don’t look back. Enough of that already. Since January 31, I have lost 37 lbs which is unbelievable, but I know once the Wegovy ends, I’ll likely gain 10 lbs back, but hopefully no more. I need to increase the movement and strength training because I am losing muscle. I must get to that gym. 

These pugs are so darn cute and Moana has a voice that I really should record. She can be very loud and it’s hilarious to listen to her. I need to incorporate more walks during the day because they need to get outdoors. It’s not too cold for them right now, so it’s ideal weather. Later when it is colder and there’s snow on the ground, they may not want to get out - although something tells me that Moana will still want to get out. I wish I had a house with a backyard that she can run around. Sometimes I feel like I should just give them up to a family that will take them out and feed them properly; not like how I look after them. Walks that last 20 minutes, and feeding them anything with lots of treats throughout the day. I only have to think about my baby Cosette to see how wrong that is. I really need to stop it. 

I need a new job or something that I can be accountable to me only. The workforce are being forced back to the office 4 days now and managers are not able to have AWA’s so my 2 days per week, is now 4 and I can’t flex my hours either. This is fucking bullshit - the entire workforce has managed hybrid for 5 years with no issues, but no, fat fuck wants everyone to hang around a fucking water cooler shooting the shit. Like who does that - it’s not the fucking eighties dickhead. I hope ON wakes up and votes this crook in the next election in fucking 6 years. He and his other cons are milking the public purse and our tax dollars, and no one gives a fuck. I should move to my reserve so I don’t pay fucking taxes. 

It’s 07:34 and I’m sitting at work, no one is around. For a workplace that is back to the office 4 days a week, I’ve seen maybe 8-10 people in my office - out of the 40 or so that should be here. This is bullshit. These unionized workers can come in whenever, and if I dare to say to my staff to get in - I’ll be the bitch. 

Later. 

July already!?

Today is a holiday here in Canada, and most people are probably outdoors with family or friends. Me - I sat outside for about an hour and just did not feel like lounging in the heat. I feel very awkward in my skin.. I am gaining weight and feel as if I'm on that oh so familiar path of self-destruction. I have been spiralling for many months now and as usual I feel as if I have to escape or get away to not deal with the issues that have plagued me all my life. I know I am lucky that I have persevered and not succumbed to any of my unhealthy and dangerous actions over the years. I don't always feel that way though. I want to do so much and rise up and be a better person but I'm just not into it - I don't believe in myself anymore. I'm tired of living this life, tired of always having to put on a phoney face as I start my days. I can't even challenge myself to do anything. I tried to stop drinking once - which last all of 19 days. Last week, I lasted 7 days. So it's not like I can't stop - its just that I don't care enough about me. Watching the news or social media is so disgusting and makes me think that people are just messed up. People are cruel and selfish. I need some inspiration and hope to get me out of this funk. 

Summer Rain

I remember.... listening to Belinda Carlisle, brings me back to those summers where I sat reading in my room or writing essays, or pretending that my life was better than how I FELT. When I found myself with one individual, I trully felt that he was the one. But he broke my heart, and shortly afterwards, my life changed so much that I don't think I could ever come back. In fact, I don't think I was ever in a place of happiness. My life seems to have always been one where I am pleasing others, and my needs have always been put on the backburner. M tried to understand me but I don't think he could have truly understood. He recently came back into my life by way of social media, and I think it has impacted me in the way that one's past has come back to haunt me. He was always what I wanted and aspired to end up with, but I went down the rabbit hole and never came back. I feel the only option I have these days is to just throw the towel in and a call it a day. I'm just waiting for my puppies to go before me.. D is not for me. I hate him. He killed my spirit more than he will ever know.

Where Has The Time Gone?

Here we are, nearing the end of February, a rather cold and snowy year so far - the summer can't get here quick enough. I've got my travel plans for the first half of the year planned. School until mid-April, hoping I pass everything and then I can enjoy the summer, stress free! Signed up for the Good Life Half in May, I need to do better than my last one (2:43), but running outdoors has been a challenge. I am not comfortable with running in snow and slush for fears of twisting my ankle. Thankfully, I have discovered yoga and using other machines in the gym.

Its almost moving day for the other half, and I think things will change once he's completely moved in. If not, then I will have a miserable year. I'll have to wait and see what happens. If Valentine's Day is any indicator... my life is over.