Hello my friend

 It’s already the end of April 2026, and so far the year is turning out to be a repeat of past years. I’m feeling defeated and not hopeful I will ever get to a place where I am happy. I’ve lost a ton of weight, yay, but for how long? Work is the same, maybe a bit easier since I’ve just resolved that it is what it is. If I keep this up, I’ll be dead before year end. 

Getting more frustrated with myself not being motivated to continue with the resin or jewelry work; this is supposed to be my 5 year plan on self employment. It’s supposed to be my out to move and live off grid or remote near the ocean whether on the west or east coast. 

Anyhow, this is just a check in and a sign to kick myself moving towards something different. A life I so deserve even though I don’t feel I do most times.  

J.

It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas…

This year, I am going to be more prepared and in the festive spirit. And there will be no ‘spirits’ this year, it’s time to put them to rest and don’t look back. Enough of that already. Since January 31, I have lost 37 lbs which is unbelievable, but I know once the Wegovy ends, I’ll likely gain 10 lbs back, but hopefully no more. I need to increase the movement and strength training because I am losing muscle. I must get to that gym. 

These pugs are so darn cute and Moana has a voice that I really should record. She can be very loud and it’s hilarious to listen to her. I need to incorporate more walks during the day because they need to get outdoors. It’s not too cold for them right now, so it’s ideal weather. Later when it is colder and there’s snow on the ground, they may not want to get out - although something tells me that Moana will still want to get out. I wish I had a house with a backyard that she can run around. Sometimes I feel like I should just give them up to a family that will take them out and feed them properly; not like how I look after them. Walks that last 20 minutes, and feeding them anything with lots of treats throughout the day. I only have to think about my baby Cosette to see how wrong that is. I really need to stop it. 

I need a new job or something that I can be accountable to me only. The workforce are being forced back to the office 4 days now and managers are not able to have AWA’s so my 2 days per week, is now 4 and I can’t flex my hours either. This is fucking bullshit - the entire workforce has managed hybrid for 5 years with no issues, but no, fat fuck wants everyone to hang around a fucking water cooler shooting the shit. Like who does that - it’s not the fucking eighties dickhead. I hope ON wakes up and votes this crook in the next election in fucking 6 years. He and his other cons are milking the public purse and our tax dollars, and no one gives a fuck. I should move to my reserve so I don’t pay fucking taxes. 

It’s 07:34 and I’m sitting at work, no one is around. For a workplace that is back to the office 4 days a week, I’ve seen maybe 8-10 people in my office - out of the 40 or so that should be here. This is bullshit. These unionized workers can come in whenever, and if I dare to say to my staff to get in - I’ll be the bitch. 

Later. 

Summertime Summertime...

 Well, mid way through summer, another birthday has passed. Didn't do my xmas in July and didn't do anything special. I hate my life. I hate my job. I hate the people I work with except for a small few... when will things change for the better. I am hoping to move away, but with the dogs, lack of work, I"m pretty much stuck having to work full time for now. D is going to be 67 this year and can retire. He's actively looking at places and I can't move. I need my job.. something that is so selfish of him to think we can move anywhere.. fuck my life. 

Merry Christmas and a happy new year

Another year on the books, and what can I say - has it been better than the last? Not really. I feel like I keep making the same mistakes; never changing my ways, and never learning from what I already know for a better fulfilled life. I'm not as obsessed with death and my eventual ending, but should be focused on what I can do to live my best life with the time I have. Also, I need to pay attention to my health. My habits need to change for better ones such as exercise, walking/running. Read more, eat/drink less. quit sugar. I've not been one to eat sweet stuff, but I can't stop. Candy, chocolate. bad. chips, and fries, need to go. I'm not getting younger. 

Goals for the new year - focus on learning some coding skills, writing, reading more. Hobbies - crafts, jewelry, playing the ukulele, calligraphy, journaling. 

Walks with the dogs - I joined one of those walking challenges - walk Paris (53km) within 2 months. It's something to get those steps in and get me outdoors. The dogs will love me for it- well, they will be healthier for it. When the days get longer, the walks will be longer. twice a day. 

We both are bad for this, but we both force ourselves as much as possible. 

I keep thinking of my babies Silas and Colette and me not taking them out as much. They loved it when I did. I can be such a cow. 

My relationship is one that I sometimes think I should just walkaway from because it's not healthy for either of us. We share the same goals of travelling and working abroad (not in Canada). Work right now is okay, and I've been busy doing a lot - but still struggle with staying focused. The #ADHD meds have helped tremendously. It's amazing how I can focus on tasks, but not all the time. 

Hopefully 2024 will be much better. I have a coaching group starting January and I think this will keep me on track. I've started using crystals daily, but need to focus on these: 

Crystals - rose quartz, lapus lazuli, clear calcite, green aventurine, hematite. 

 I would love to live in this apartment for 3 - 6 months.

I'm burnTout.

For the past few months, I have been waking up my regular time, feeling tired and not at all full of energy. I drag myself down the hall and lift up my work laptop. Another day of the same ol', same ol' crap. I spend my days working just at a minimum (occasionally I do need to step it up and work straight through without getting outside, but mainly, I haven't been motivated to much. I don't even feel happy about anything, I spend my days obsessing with death!!! What the hell is wrong with me.. I feel as if I'm falling into dark pit that is covered with wet mud.. I can't get out of this. I finally called my doctor the other day and she gave me Wellbutrin 300mg. I hope it helps. Not sure it will help with my sleeping. I want to sleep a whole night without waking up!! I haven't done this in so long.. I can't even remember the last time I went to sleep at 10pm, waking up at 6am. without waking in the night. I don't know what to do. I have started watching California Preachin' on YouTube. This is Chynna Phllips-Baldwin channel and its the best thing I've watched in such a long time. I wish I had found this last year at the beginning of the pandemic, I think it might have helped me for a bit. But I struggle with feeling so alone and liking it that way. I'm angry. I sad. I'm fat. I hate food. I need to move now. 

Link to YouTube page: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UChv4fOIikMs3QbHWIuIZeDQ

California Preachin website - get some march!! I ordered some shirts and the zip jacket, I can't wait to get it

New Journey

I've spent the past few months dealing (well not dealing but coping badly) with loss during the past 1.5 years of both pugs and my friend. I feel sad about it and I'm trying to move on and live my life the way I want to. I'm tired of feeling regret about not taking risks early on in my life, such as moving to Germany. I don't want to feel as if I missed out so this year I've started to take care of me - I ended 2020 by participating in a freedom from alcohol 30 day session with a woman I found on IG. I feel as if that - coupled with the ending of my other med and adding a new med have been so helpful in my journey of being substance free. The alcohol situation was so out of hand this past year and this put about 25 or 30lbs on and now I'm struggling to take it off. It's very depressing but at least my desire to drink isn't as bad - in fact, I can't stand the taste anymore. Even when I do try and have a glass of wine - by the 2nd glass, I can't even finish it and I"m trying to force myself to drink it. I think that's a start and I feel that its the right move and I can't wait to continue this journey of learning and growing into the person I am meant to be. 

Goodbye my friend...

 Last month, I received a DM from a friend on Twitter. They told me that they heard a friend of ours had died. It was about 3 weeks earlier that I last messaged him (texts) and he never gave any indication that he was sick or dying or even really that bad. I was so upset by this but as time went by, I realized this is exactly how he would want to go. His Facebook page had posts up until October 11th in the early evening. He apparently died that day. I will miss him and had always thought we would eventually get back together because we pretty much were okay. I was surprised that he was living with someone as well. No mention of girlfriends from him.. but I sensed he was trying to get back with me, but he - like me - settled for what was the current situation. As I write this - I realize that maybe I don't want to do that or end up that way. Am I happy? I don't know. I've started this program that I found on IG on relationships with alcohol. I know I don't want to drink, and that for the most part, I drink as a self-destructive pattern - to escape dealing with issues that I don't want to deal with. the current other thinks I drink too much and that I need to stop. Every time I drink, I tell him I don't want to be with him, and then he throws that in my face - by saying he won't listen to me when I drink.. so goes the endless circles of drinking to deal with him, and then him not listening to me when I say get out. What the FUCK do I do about this??? RIP Joseph, I love you and will miss you dearly. 

November Blahs

This year has gone by quickly. Covid19 completely screwed me over in more ways than one.. I hope 2021 is much better.. 

its one year with these pugs and they are doing much better these days. Lyric is improving... we just came back from a few days near Lake Erie.. I definitely want to move there...

July already!?

Today is a holiday here in Canada, and most people are probably outdoors with family or friends. Me - I sat outside for about an hour and just did not feel like lounging in the heat. I feel very awkward in my skin.. I am gaining weight and feel as if I'm on that oh so familiar path of self-destruction. I have been spiralling for many months now and as usual I feel as if I have to escape or get away to not deal with the issues that have plagued me all my life. I know I am lucky that I have persevered and not succumbed to any of my unhealthy and dangerous actions over the years. I don't always feel that way though. I want to do so much and rise up and be a better person but I'm just not into it - I don't believe in myself anymore. I'm tired of living this life, tired of always having to put on a phoney face as I start my days. I can't even challenge myself to do anything. I tried to stop drinking once - which last all of 19 days. Last week, I lasted 7 days. So it's not like I can't stop - its just that I don't care enough about me. Watching the news or social media is so disgusting and makes me think that people are just messed up. People are cruel and selfish. I need some inspiration and hope to get me out of this funk. 

Fall has arrived!

The weather has become much cooler in the past few weeks and leaves are changing colours. The picturesque landscape is beautiful and I'm looking forward to taking it all in. I am not in the best of places but I'm still here. I was in a groove a few weeks back - started using the ASICS app again, put in 2- 3 workouts/runs a week and was beginning to feel good. Yes, that will be followed by the sound of a 'but' unfortunately. I don't know why or what causes me to go off track, to throw in the towel so soon. I don't know if its work, relationships, feeling hopeless about the future - there are too many things swirling around in my head. Thanksgiving came and went and I can't say that I was thankful for anything, I sometimes feel as if what is my purpose, why do I continue down this road of doom and gloom. I can't get 'happy' really happy - the kind where "you feel it deep inside, and you know this by the big smile as if to say, if this were the last day of your life, it was all worth it" - that is the kind of happy I keep chasing but never finding.

Setbacks, disappointment and helplessness

This Friday, Toronto's CNE (Canadian National Exhibition) will open its doors to two weeks of fun, rides, events; all signalling the end of the summer. I never like this time because it's when the wasps begin mating and they are more aggressive, which means I tend to avoid places where there are piles of garbage. Who am I kidding!  I avoid outdoor activities period. This summer was especially difficult for me because of how I managed change and uncertainty at work.

A few weeks ago my brother introduced me to his boss at a non-profit because he thought that I would be a great fit for a job that was opening up (my brother's) and I had mixed thoughts about this. One, I honestly am tired of operations as a job - I dislike managing people, I hate financials, and I definitely wouldn't want to follow in my brother's footsteps - he's the complete opposite of me and I would not live up to his reputation. I tried to tell him that I wasn't interested but he kept pushing it as a great move that could open doors later on down the road. I had the interview last week, and honestly, I failed miserably.

I don't do well at these things - I lack confidence and it shows. I don't have a presence, people look at me as the 'finance person' in the back office - not up front. While I didn't think I had a shot, there was a slight hope that this would be an option, but today, learned they were going with someone else. The ED said it was more about the optics of being the sister and how this would look for the organization. I thought that was a poor excuse - since this would happen with anyone - the aboriginal community is small, and everyone is related to everyone. So this has left me feeling inadequate AGAIN.

My brother tries to lift my spirits saying, 'it was probably a blessing in disguise', and that there were some personalities their that could be challenging, but thought I could manage. The ED did say that if I ever needed to make connections, we would gladly help in that way. I may take him up on that - but I have my own network too. I need to tap into them now - and get some advice, pointers - so I can make this business idea work. I will be doing some work with my brother's company - so this will be a test to see if I have what it takes.

On days like this though, my self-esteem is in the toilet and I can't do anything.

Happy Not Celebrating My Birthday Day

Today I'm not celebrating another year on this earth, rather, I'm celebrating that I have survived. It has been an emotional rollercoaster over the past few months. I suspect that the stress at work played a big role in it. I feel as if I have been here before; standing at the fork in the road or crossroads and wondering which road to take as in the famous Robert Frost poem, The Road Less Travelled:

Somewhere ages and ages hence:

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—

I took the one less traveled by,

And that has made all the difference.

I have a couple of options but my intuition is telling me to take that road 'less travelled'. The signs are all there.  For the past three weeks I was enrolled in an TESOL class through Oxford Seminars. I signed up for emails a few years ago and never made it to one of their info sessions. I had always wanted to travel and look at ways to supplement my income. This never happened and yes, there is some regret not doing it sooner. I have regrets that I didn't follow through on that move to Berlin years ago. But in June, I finally made it to one and seriously thought about the possibility of leaving everything behind and travelling abroad for a year. Enrolling in this class would let me see if this is something I could do or even want to do anymore.

It wasn't until I found myself facing the reality of facing the unknown at work, getting a lead for a potential new job doing the same work of managing operations. Do I stay in uncertainty or go for stability? Decisions, decisions.

California Dreamin' on such a winter's day

Well, it hasn't really been fall weather yet - after what seemed like the worst summer in my mind, we finally have the 30C weather I have been waiting for since last spring. Life appears to be getting better, more stressful, but I have the confidence to make decisions, do what I want and not care what about anyone else but me. Since February, I've lost 54lbs and down clothing sizes that I can actually wear things I never thought I would get into. D tried the diet but gave up after 2 months, and I'm sure has put back the weight he lost. I'm disappointment in him and that he doesn't try. I know what that's like and I think I waste to much energy getting him to do things. We are not going to last and I've already emotionally given up on this relationship. Once I sell up, I will pay him what I owe and move on without him. We don't have a relationship, we just occupy the same space. I need to start making plans and do things to get this place ready to sell. Save money and buy that place in the sun once I start my business.

Summer Dreams - Done

So the summer came and went so quick, so much that I didn't feel like we even had a summer! I've been feeling really depressed the past few months - my road trips have been solo and I like that. There is something about driving alone, alone with your thoughts, or just listening to the music that brings a sort of comfort - that I enjoy. I enjoy the silence. Silence Is Golden.

I've lost approximately 54lbs since end of January - and I still feel fat. I can't wear tight clothing without feeling like I have to cover up my fat. I'm not sure if I have an eating disorder or if I'm just used to being fat. I can't stand eating - I hate food, I'd rather starve myself than eat poison.

I love my job but I hate some of the people I work with. I'm going crazy from all the work I am doing and people I have to support. My fucking mouse keeps jumping all over the place - I hate my laptop too. What the fuck. I think I want to die. I know I want this all to come to an end at some point, soon.

Happy Birthday To Me

So 2017 has not been as eventful as I thought, other than me losing a ton of weight thanks to the clinic in Harrisburg, they have been so supportive and my eating habits have changed for the better. I feel that people treat me differently, one person who would never give me the time of day - seems much more open and says hello more often. I'm not sure what to make of this. I feel like I want to keep losing until I get to my target weight. I hate food. I can't stand eating, so I need to find a way to get rid of these hunger pains. I drink a lot of water, chew gum and keep myself busy to not think about food. Stress has taken over my life for now.

Sometimes I feel like this is my last year. I don't care if I live or die. I'm trying to get rid of the junk that I have been carrying around for years. I hold onto items that are tied to bad memories. I hate my ex-boyfriend who friended me this year on Facebook. How dare he reach out to me. I don't care that he lost his wife to cancer - he cheated on me with her. He broke my heart and wasted 10 years of my life on him.

I miss my Dad, he took care of me. NO ONE CARES ABOUT ME now. I don't get calls or emails, I"m expected to give to D all the time and I don't have anything - I don't care about him or the relationship. I just want to die. I bet the people at work don't say boo about my birthday - they give parties for everyone else, but I'm an afterthought - I just do everything and get nothing in response. I wish I would find another job, I wish that I can take the dogs and move away from here and say goodbye to everyone. I'm surrounded by selfish fucks who only care about themselves. I give and give and give, and get nothing back, maybe I'm the selfish one. I don't care, this is it for me.

Summer Rain

I remember.... listening to Belinda Carlisle, brings me back to those summers where I sat reading in my room or writing essays, or pretending that my life was better than how I FELT. When I found myself with one individual, I trully felt that he was the one. But he broke my heart, and shortly afterwards, my life changed so much that I don't think I could ever come back. In fact, I don't think I was ever in a place of happiness. My life seems to have always been one where I am pleasing others, and my needs have always been put on the backburner. M tried to understand me but I don't think he could have truly understood. He recently came back into my life by way of social media, and I think it has impacted me in the way that one's past has come back to haunt me. He was always what I wanted and aspired to end up with, but I went down the rabbit hole and never came back. I feel the only option I have these days is to just throw the towel in and a call it a day. I'm just waiting for my puppies to go before me.. D is not for me. I hate him. He killed my spirit more than he will ever know.

A road trip to Harrisburg, PA

It's already April, and the weather is starting to get nicer, the birds are singing, flowers are starting to bloom... and I"m in the mood to do some travelling. After what seems like such a long winter, I'm ready to get out there. Heading back to PA this weekend, exploring the area and possibly hitting up the Hersey factory. Harrisburg is a great city, they have a nice downtown area to walk around and grab some food at one of the many restaurants. Check out the National Civil War Museum, although small, it has tons of artifacts on display. The next trip will include a trip to the Gettysburg National Military Park. In July they have a re-creation of the Gettysburg battle. If I can figure out how to upload my iphone pix, I will post.

Getting Healthy and Fit

I've lost around 15 lbs to date. I feel healthy, I'm less anxious, sleep better, and have more energy. I've started running again, although not as often as I would like - we are still getting out. I'm ready to focus my attention on business ideas and making money on the side. I've been working on some ideas, but I need to sit down and flush some things out. I really wish that something comes up that I can do.. I need to be able to sustain myself if I leave my job. I would love to head to an island somewhere and open up a business - its a fantasy right now, but hopefully with some luck and perseverance, it can be a reality.

Depression Wins Again

I have been feeling very down and upset with everything lately. I feel as if I can't take a day off work without being harassed for information; information which is readily available in a central area that my team should be able to access. WRONG. I don't get how people function around me. I am a fast learner, always have been, and I master any task at hand. It totally sucks when everyone around me praises someone who does nothing, or is the social butterfly of the office, and I'm made to feel like I'm not doing my job. 

Fuck off already. 

I guess I will get this reaction from anywhere. Perhaps I'm a threat to those who give only 50%, but it's the culture of the organization, cliquey, and dysfunctional. My own position is still only temporary and I feel as if they don't want me. For someone who needs positive feedback ongoing, I get nothing, and therefore my motivation is in the trash. 

Should I give a shit? No, if I could I'd tell them to go fuck themselves. This goes for the dumbasses I sit with on a board with my condo. I stepping down from that asap. 

Not sure where to go from here. Sometimes I just wish I would just die already.