It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas…

This year, I am going to be more prepared and in the festive spirit. And there will be no ‘spirits’ this year, it’s time to put them to rest and don’t look back. Enough of that already. Since January 31, I have lost 37 lbs which is unbelievable, but I know once the Wegovy ends, I’ll likely gain 10 lbs back, but hopefully no more. I need to increase the movement and strength training because I am losing muscle. I must get to that gym. 

These pugs are so darn cute and Moana has a voice that I really should record. She can be very loud and it’s hilarious to listen to her. I need to incorporate more walks during the day because they need to get outdoors. It’s not too cold for them right now, so it’s ideal weather. Later when it is colder and there’s snow on the ground, they may not want to get out - although something tells me that Moana will still want to get out. I wish I had a house with a backyard that she can run around. Sometimes I feel like I should just give them up to a family that will take them out and feed them properly; not like how I look after them. Walks that last 20 minutes, and feeding them anything with lots of treats throughout the day. I only have to think about my baby Cosette to see how wrong that is. I really need to stop it. 

I need a new job or something that I can be accountable to me only. The workforce are being forced back to the office 4 days now and managers are not able to have AWA’s so my 2 days per week, is now 4 and I can’t flex my hours either. This is fucking bullshit - the entire workforce has managed hybrid for 5 years with no issues, but no, fat fuck wants everyone to hang around a fucking water cooler shooting the shit. Like who does that - it’s not the fucking eighties dickhead. I hope ON wakes up and votes this crook in the next election in fucking 6 years. He and his other cons are milking the public purse and our tax dollars, and no one gives a fuck. I should move to my reserve so I don’t pay fucking taxes. 

It’s 07:34 and I’m sitting at work, no one is around. For a workplace that is back to the office 4 days a week, I’ve seen maybe 8-10 people in my office - out of the 40 or so that should be here. This is bullshit. These unionized workers can come in whenever, and if I dare to say to my staff to get in - I’ll be the bitch. 

Later. 

Summertime Summertime...

 Well, mid way through summer, another birthday has passed. Didn't do my xmas in July and didn't do anything special. I hate my life. I hate my job. I hate the people I work with except for a small few... when will things change for the better. I am hoping to move away, but with the dogs, lack of work, I"m pretty much stuck having to work full time for now. D is going to be 67 this year and can retire. He's actively looking at places and I can't move. I need my job.. something that is so selfish of him to think we can move anywhere.. fuck my life. 

Hello World.. #covid19 opened my eyes.

I haven't wrote anything for some time and wonder if this even helps me. Writing used to allow me to express myself and sort through all the feelings and emotional upsets that continue to plague my life since I was a child. I've not moved forward and continue to repeat mistakes which will eventually be the death of me. My dreams are all lost - I have nothing left. The loss of both my pugs in February (Silas) 2020 and the traumatic loss of Cosette in October 2019 have left a hole in my heart and don't think I will ever recover nor do I want to.. I am more sad and depressed especially since I've been working remotely due to Covid19 - once upon a time, I would have loved to be working from home but it's made things more complicated and real. I realize that I am not in love with DS and don't want to be with anyone. I went and brought home two new pugs after Cosette left me - these two have been so active, and have kept me busy. Financially its been a bit much since the one pug needs an operation that is 5K - 7K. I don't know if I can even give them the best home they deserve. The lump of shit that lives with me needs to go and I think my life will be better. When I was here by myself and no guy in my life, I felt free and somewhat happy - no one to judge me, no one to say derogatory
shit to me. I need out.

Fall has arrived!

The weather has become much cooler in the past few weeks and leaves are changing colours. The picturesque landscape is beautiful and I'm looking forward to taking it all in. I am not in the best of places but I'm still here. I was in a groove a few weeks back - started using the ASICS app again, put in 2- 3 workouts/runs a week and was beginning to feel good. Yes, that will be followed by the sound of a 'but' unfortunately. I don't know why or what causes me to go off track, to throw in the towel so soon. I don't know if its work, relationships, feeling hopeless about the future - there are too many things swirling around in my head. Thanksgiving came and went and I can't say that I was thankful for anything, I sometimes feel as if what is my purpose, why do I continue down this road of doom and gloom. I can't get 'happy' really happy - the kind where "you feel it deep inside, and you know this by the big smile as if to say, if this were the last day of your life, it was all worth it" - that is the kind of happy I keep chasing but never finding.

a myspace post from 2006

29 Apr 2006

SADNESS OF THE TRIBE (lyrics) Current mood: bouncy Category: Music this only goes to show how fanatical I can be, I remember hearing this song a long time ago, and every once and a while, I will hear it in my head, and couldn't find it on disk anywhere! So, thanks to the internet, after many searches I finally!!! found out who sings it, okay, so I don't have the song, but its more than what I had before (a song in my head without a name)... so here it is: SADNESS OF THE TRIBE (Ann Mortifee/Paul Burton/Declan O'Doherty/Terry Frewer) Savannah in the dead of night Creatures in the dark Hyenas keep their distance From the carrion of the heart As fearsome as the panther's eye The sadness of the tribe A star for everyone of us The shine of heaven's tears Deathbirds fly between them now The sadness is so near Relentless as the lion's hold The sadness of the tribe The warrior will not shield his eyes His arms are open wide Do not hide the sadness of the tribe The woman in the village knows Her tears are not her own Do not hide the sadness of the tribe Eucalyptus in the dawning mist Fires are burning low A barefoot girl goes from the hills To where she does not know Crying in the morning light The sadness of the tribe The warrior will not shield his eyes His arms are open wide Do not hide the sadness of the tribe The woman in the village knows Her tears are not her own Do not hide the sadness of the tribe Africa I've stood in your rain I've stood in your heartland Africa There's nowhere to hide The sadness of the tribe Is the sorrow of the world Startled pink flamingoes rise Into an auburn cloud While crowds of barefoot wanderers Live only where allowed The madness of captivity The sadness of the tribe The warrior will not shield his eyes His arms are open wide Do not hide the sadness of the tribe The woman in the village knows Her tears are not her own Do not hide the sadness of the tribe ( Mabela Music l984 PROC)