Goodbye my friend...

 Last month, I received a DM from a friend on Twitter. They told me that they heard a friend of ours had died. It was about 3 weeks earlier that I last messaged him (texts) and he never gave any indication that he was sick or dying or even really that bad. I was so upset by this but as time went by, I realized this is exactly how he would want to go. His Facebook page had posts up until October 11th in the early evening. He apparently died that day. I will miss him and had always thought we would eventually get back together because we pretty much were okay. I was surprised that he was living with someone as well. No mention of girlfriends from him.. but I sensed he was trying to get back with me, but he - like me - settled for what was the current situation. As I write this - I realize that maybe I don't want to do that or end up that way. Am I happy? I don't know. I've started this program that I found on IG on relationships with alcohol. I know I don't want to drink, and that for the most part, I drink as a self-destructive pattern - to escape dealing with issues that I don't want to deal with. the current other thinks I drink too much and that I need to stop. Every time I drink, I tell him I don't want to be with him, and then he throws that in my face - by saying he won't listen to me when I drink.. so goes the endless circles of drinking to deal with him, and then him not listening to me when I say get out. What the FUCK do I do about this??? RIP Joseph, I love you and will miss you dearly. 

Hello World.. #covid19 opened my eyes.

I haven't wrote anything for some time and wonder if this even helps me. Writing used to allow me to express myself and sort through all the feelings and emotional upsets that continue to plague my life since I was a child. I've not moved forward and continue to repeat mistakes which will eventually be the death of me. My dreams are all lost - I have nothing left. The loss of both my pugs in February (Silas) 2020 and the traumatic loss of Cosette in October 2019 have left a hole in my heart and don't think I will ever recover nor do I want to.. I am more sad and depressed especially since I've been working remotely due to Covid19 - once upon a time, I would have loved to be working from home but it's made things more complicated and real. I realize that I am not in love with DS and don't want to be with anyone. I went and brought home two new pugs after Cosette left me - these two have been so active, and have kept me busy. Financially its been a bit much since the one pug needs an operation that is 5K - 7K. I don't know if I can even give them the best home they deserve. The lump of shit that lives with me needs to go and I think my life will be better. When I was here by myself and no guy in my life, I felt free and somewhat happy - no one to judge me, no one to say derogatory
shit to me. I need out.

Happy Birthday To Me

So 2017 has not been as eventful as I thought, other than me losing a ton of weight thanks to the clinic in Harrisburg, they have been so supportive and my eating habits have changed for the better. I feel that people treat me differently, one person who would never give me the time of day - seems much more open and says hello more often. I'm not sure what to make of this. I feel like I want to keep losing until I get to my target weight. I hate food. I can't stand eating, so I need to find a way to get rid of these hunger pains. I drink a lot of water, chew gum and keep myself busy to not think about food. Stress has taken over my life for now.

Sometimes I feel like this is my last year. I don't care if I live or die. I'm trying to get rid of the junk that I have been carrying around for years. I hold onto items that are tied to bad memories. I hate my ex-boyfriend who friended me this year on Facebook. How dare he reach out to me. I don't care that he lost his wife to cancer - he cheated on me with her. He broke my heart and wasted 10 years of my life on him.

I miss my Dad, he took care of me. NO ONE CARES ABOUT ME now. I don't get calls or emails, I"m expected to give to D all the time and I don't have anything - I don't care about him or the relationship. I just want to die. I bet the people at work don't say boo about my birthday - they give parties for everyone else, but I'm an afterthought - I just do everything and get nothing in response. I wish I would find another job, I wish that I can take the dogs and move away from here and say goodbye to everyone. I'm surrounded by selfish fucks who only care about themselves. I give and give and give, and get nothing back, maybe I'm the selfish one. I don't care, this is it for me.

Seriously.

Such a lovely winter we had here in TO and I absolutely hate it. Life is going well with the BF but I am having my doubts. Lately I have been soooo stressed that I can't think properly and I just want to get in the car and drive away, never to return to this sad city. I wish I could be that person...

The Ides of March

Beware.. the ides of March is almost upon us. I am in the final weeks of courses and I am getting anxious and overwhelmed with the pressure. I am looking forward to having some free time to read, learn a new language, or even take a general interest course (TESL). I am getting the itch to move away from here, I am not really happy with living in this area anymore. The weather is awful, many of the people I come across are just rude and full of entitlement. Maybe I should just sell up and move elsewhere in the City. I have my boyfriend and between the both of us, we should do well together. But if and when I get this degree, it should be able to open doors for me. I feel unchallenged at work, all the skills I picked up at school, I rarely use in the workplace. I love the people I work with, and the community - but I rarely get a chance to do anything outside the office. I understand the boss needs me around, but I know I could do so much more.

Relationship is good, much better, although there are times when I wonder if I made the right decision. I may be too set in my ways - too independent I guess. Does this scream independence:)

how old am I????

I thought you would get a kick out of this!

Those Born 1930-1979 , READ TO THE BOTTOM FOR QUOTE OF THE MONTH BY JAY LENO. IF YOU DON'T READ ANYTHING ELSE!! IT'S VERY WELL STATED.

TO ALL THE KIDS WHO SURVIVED the 1930s, 40's, 50's, 60's and 70's!!

First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they were pregnant.

They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a can, and didn't get tested for diabetes.

Then after that trauma, we were put to sleep on our tummies in baby cribs covered with bright coloured lead-based paints.

We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets. Not to mention the risks we took hitchhiking.

As infants & children, we would ride in cars with no car seats, booster seats, seat belts or air bags.

Riding in the back of a pick up on a warm day was always a special treat.

We drank water from the garden hose and NOT from a bottle.

We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and NO ONE actually died from this.

We ate cupcakes, white bread and real butter and drank Kool-aid made with sugar, but we weren't overweight because, WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING!

We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on.

No one was able to reach us all day. And we were O.K.

We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem.

We did not have Playstations, Nintendo's, X-boxes, no video games at all, no 150 channels on cable, no video movies or DVD's, no surround-sound or CD's, no cell phones, no personal computers, no Internet or chat rooms........
WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!

We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no lawsuits from these accidents.

We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever.

We were given BB guns for our 10th birthdays, made up games with sticks and tennis balls and, although we were told it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes.

We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just walked in and talked to them!

Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!!

The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law!

These generations have produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers and inventors ever!

The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas. We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned HOW TO DEAL WITH IT ALL!

If YOU are one of them, CONGRATULATIONS!

You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as kids, before the lawyers and the government regulated so much of our lives for our own good .
While you are at it, forward it to your kids so they will know how brave (and lucky) their parents were.

Kind of makes you want to run through the house with scissors, doesn't it?!

My Space

I am addicted to MySpace. I've neglected doing my own web page, now I spend all my time looking for 'friends' people who interest me - share interests, and what's really great about this is I am really starting to 'know me' - or rather have a clearer understanding of who I am and what I want.
I read all these profiles and I think,g~d this is too weird, I am not the only one or someone else out there likes the same things. its been tremendous in relieving stress from work, I get stressed, I logon, and suddenly I am among 'friends'. Okay, so its a bit stretched - for now, its better than spending money i don't have on ebay or amazon.

silas and long island

that's my Silas, trotting along 'Brighten Beach'. Not exactly how I pictured it, but for March, it was delightful. An absolute pleasure to be WALKING around and was somewhat relaxing. The trip was not worth all the b*crap I had to deal with such as crazy drivers and the company I went with. Note to self, go with someone different next time. I swear, I spent more time in the care than walking anywhere. the person that I went with wasn't much help. It will be the last time I go anywhere with them. What has come out of this trip? My desire to drive! I need to get my license - because next year this time, I want to be able to get in a car and go anywhere!