Furbabies

The past few months have been very hard to face and my self-esteem, mood, and resilience has been in the toilet.  The smaller pug Lyric had been having some health issues and it came to a head when the vets said she may have Pug dog encephalitis (PDE) due to symptoms she displayed while at the hospital. They put her on a steroid to help but noticed that even before putting her on the steroid she was starting to behave like her normal quirky self. Following her return home, I kept looking at her and not seeing our Lyric, which caused me to be in tears for days. She still wasn't behaving like her usual self. I was concerned that all of her training would have been lost since she wasn't responding to the basic commands (sit, stay, lie down, etc.). Last Saturday, she came back to the training, and I was almost in tears when she started sitting, staying during the one-hour session. She was back! I could see it in her eyes, she was back. 

Trying on costumes and outfits.. silly girls! 

Hello World.. #covid19 opened my eyes.

I haven't wrote anything for some time and wonder if this even helps me. Writing used to allow me to express myself and sort through all the feelings and emotional upsets that continue to plague my life since I was a child. I've not moved forward and continue to repeat mistakes which will eventually be the death of me. My dreams are all lost - I have nothing left. The loss of both my pugs in February (Silas) 2020 and the traumatic loss of Cosette in October 2019 have left a hole in my heart and don't think I will ever recover nor do I want to.. I am more sad and depressed especially since I've been working remotely due to Covid19 - once upon a time, I would have loved to be working from home but it's made things more complicated and real. I realize that I am not in love with DS and don't want to be with anyone. I went and brought home two new pugs after Cosette left me - these two have been so active, and have kept me busy. Financially its been a bit much since the one pug needs an operation that is 5K - 7K. I don't know if I can even give them the best home they deserve. The lump of shit that lives with me needs to go and I think my life will be better. When I was here by myself and no guy in my life, I felt free and somewhat happy - no one to judge me, no one to say derogatory
shit to me. I need out.

Happy New Year - Will this be THE year...

Lately the weather has been miserably cold and snowy, when will this end?! I really wish that I could take off to a beach, but work and personal pressures are keeping me here at least until March. I have a new temporary job that is causing a lot of anxiety, but I feel really good when I am accomplishing things professionally - AND to be acknowledged for my efforts and achievements.

Early days at the 'condo' where both Silas and Raven (my black cat) sat on the ledge

I am planning a move soon immediately due to unforeseen bullshit circumstances in my condo. So its looks like I'm heading back to the city and closer to my work. I don't know for how long but eventually wanting to get out of the GTA - Niagara Falls is still there - don't really care about those friends acquaintances at that the farm anymore. It hurts when people treat you like an afterthought,  who don't care and expect me to be the one to keep in touch. This is why I am pulling back from everyone this year - why should I care or want to meet up with anyone, everyone lies, pretends to be your friend, pretends to care, but they are all self-absorbed phoney's. Someone texts me and I respond as soon as I can, but send anyone else a text??? ..... and its silence. When I see them, they are like, ah I saw your text but couldn't respond (you mean, you couldn't be bothered to respond). This is why I can't be bothered. I want to just get in my car and drive away from this place.. and go someplace where no one knows me, and I don't know anyone.

My aunt was down over Christmas and it was really nice to see her again - we 'get' each other, and if I had the money, I'd get a place and have her move in with us - but D. probably would not be happy... hell, he can't handle the dogs...

Anyhow, I will be reaching out to a realtor this week, and have her look at my place (need to clean it up first!) and see what minimal things I can do... Wherever I go - they MUST take dogs otherwise, I may end up back in a owner situation, where I will definitely look to see who the property management company is...

Kawartha Cosette on her way home

 I will miss this place, it's been a wild and crazy 10+ years, but its time. The people have changed, I hate the commute, and after spending time working in the government, I quite enjoy walking downtown, being close to so many cultural and outdoor activities - where people are diverse, and open minded.

Happy Birthday To Me

So 2017 has not been as eventful as I thought, other than me losing a ton of weight thanks to the clinic in Harrisburg, they have been so supportive and my eating habits have changed for the better. I feel that people treat me differently, one person who would never give me the time of day - seems much more open and says hello more often. I'm not sure what to make of this. I feel like I want to keep losing until I get to my target weight. I hate food. I can't stand eating, so I need to find a way to get rid of these hunger pains. I drink a lot of water, chew gum and keep myself busy to not think about food. Stress has taken over my life for now.

Sometimes I feel like this is my last year. I don't care if I live or die. I'm trying to get rid of the junk that I have been carrying around for years. I hold onto items that are tied to bad memories. I hate my ex-boyfriend who friended me this year on Facebook. How dare he reach out to me. I don't care that he lost his wife to cancer - he cheated on me with her. He broke my heart and wasted 10 years of my life on him.

I miss my Dad, he took care of me. NO ONE CARES ABOUT ME now. I don't get calls or emails, I"m expected to give to D all the time and I don't have anything - I don't care about him or the relationship. I just want to die. I bet the people at work don't say boo about my birthday - they give parties for everyone else, but I'm an afterthought - I just do everything and get nothing in response. I wish I would find another job, I wish that I can take the dogs and move away from here and say goodbye to everyone. I'm surrounded by selfish fucks who only care about themselves. I give and give and give, and get nothing back, maybe I'm the selfish one. I don't care, this is it for me.

Happy new year and the start of something good

Yesterday, as I went to sleep at 3am, I decided that I needed to change my life for good because if I am going to make it, things need to be different. I need to take care of my health... my mental health and physical health have been impacted by negative life choices. Went for a walk today with the pugs, and they totally loved it. The weather is gorgeous for the 2nd of January...

family day

is the 3rd Monday in February and is a stat holiday! Yeah!!!!

still trying to figure out what geo-tracking software is - I think ITV made that up because I told them I would install an ip anon surf software...to view their website.

Dear viewer

Thank you for your recent query. In order to protect the rights of artists, writers, musicians and companies that invest in films and TV shows, there are restrictions on
what videos we are able to show outside the UK. We hope this may change in the future but in the meantime our services are using geo-blocking software to prevent access from outside the United Kingdom.

We are sorry for the inconvenience caused.

Kind regards
Broadband Help

its always sunny in philadelphia

This show is funny, I just started watching it - Showcase marathon (I believe). Anyhow, quote: "excuses are like a-holes; everyone has one and they all stink". carmine from happy days guest starred and said that quote.

Christmas is coming...

Another month and we will be full swing into the madness of christmas shopping. I normally wait until the very last minute to consider any gifts and by then, I usually buy a couple of inexpensive gifts with a card and some cash. I know, I should be more familiar with what ma famille likes, but I just can't put up with the stress of looking for gifts for people who are related to me by blood - I know nothing about what they really like. Really sad, I am trying to reach out and get to know at least my neice and nephew.