Summertime Summertime...

 Well, mid way through summer, another birthday has passed. Didn't do my xmas in July and didn't do anything special. I hate my life. I hate my job. I hate the people I work with except for a small few... when will things change for the better. I am hoping to move away, but with the dogs, lack of work, I"m pretty much stuck having to work full time for now. D is going to be 67 this year and can retire. He's actively looking at places and I can't move. I need my job.. something that is so selfish of him to think we can move anywhere.. fuck my life. 

Finally

It's been over a year since I last wrote or had anything worthy of writing. Everything is the same, busy, stressed, struggling to stay afloat while trying to figure out where I am heading. Things are slowing coming together and making some sense - essentially I know what I don't want in my life, and have spent the past 9 months of getting rid of those things. I've tossed things that I once regarded as memories - they weren't memories, they were chains holding me back from living my life. Once I realised this and was able to emotionally detach myself from the 'things' around me, I felt as if an enormous weight had been lifted from my shoulders. I still have anxiety over things but its getting easier to let go. I finally am cutting ties with my past - including people that I had once respected, but who appear much different now that they are no longer in my life. It is very refreshing to see things differently - to not react or respond to my usual triggers. I'm not quite at a place where I know what I want, I am isolating myself and I'm okay with that. I'd rather stay in and not face life or society or people.. the city is getting more crowed, the commute is longer and people are selfish.

While in PA recently, I saw this book at the 2nd and Charles bookstore.. I had to get it because it had my name all over it:

Tidy the F*ck Up: The American Art of Organizing Your Sh*t

Setbacks, disappointment and helplessness

This Friday, Toronto's CNE (Canadian National Exhibition) will open its doors to two weeks of fun, rides, events; all signalling the end of the summer. I never like this time because it's when the wasps begin mating and they are more aggressive, which means I tend to avoid places where there are piles of garbage. Who am I kidding!  I avoid outdoor activities period. This summer was especially difficult for me because of how I managed change and uncertainty at work.

A few weeks ago my brother introduced me to his boss at a non-profit because he thought that I would be a great fit for a job that was opening up (my brother's) and I had mixed thoughts about this. One, I honestly am tired of operations as a job - I dislike managing people, I hate financials, and I definitely wouldn't want to follow in my brother's footsteps - he's the complete opposite of me and I would not live up to his reputation. I tried to tell him that I wasn't interested but he kept pushing it as a great move that could open doors later on down the road. I had the interview last week, and honestly, I failed miserably.

I don't do well at these things - I lack confidence and it shows. I don't have a presence, people look at me as the 'finance person' in the back office - not up front. While I didn't think I had a shot, there was a slight hope that this would be an option, but today, learned they were going with someone else. The ED said it was more about the optics of being the sister and how this would look for the organization. I thought that was a poor excuse - since this would happen with anyone - the aboriginal community is small, and everyone is related to everyone. So this has left me feeling inadequate AGAIN.

My brother tries to lift my spirits saying, 'it was probably a blessing in disguise', and that there were some personalities their that could be challenging, but thought I could manage. The ED did say that if I ever needed to make connections, we would gladly help in that way. I may take him up on that - but I have my own network too. I need to tap into them now - and get some advice, pointers - so I can make this business idea work. I will be doing some work with my brother's company - so this will be a test to see if I have what it takes.

On days like this though, my self-esteem is in the toilet and I can't do anything.

Happy Not Celebrating My Birthday Day

Today I'm not celebrating another year on this earth, rather, I'm celebrating that I have survived. It has been an emotional rollercoaster over the past few months. I suspect that the stress at work played a big role in it. I feel as if I have been here before; standing at the fork in the road or crossroads and wondering which road to take as in the famous Robert Frost poem, The Road Less Travelled:

Somewhere ages and ages hence:

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—

I took the one less traveled by,

And that has made all the difference.

I have a couple of options but my intuition is telling me to take that road 'less travelled'. The signs are all there.  For the past three weeks I was enrolled in an TESOL class through Oxford Seminars. I signed up for emails a few years ago and never made it to one of their info sessions. I had always wanted to travel and look at ways to supplement my income. This never happened and yes, there is some regret not doing it sooner. I have regrets that I didn't follow through on that move to Berlin years ago. But in June, I finally made it to one and seriously thought about the possibility of leaving everything behind and travelling abroad for a year. Enrolling in this class would let me see if this is something I could do or even want to do anymore.

It wasn't until I found myself facing the reality of facing the unknown at work, getting a lead for a potential new job doing the same work of managing operations. Do I stay in uncertainty or go for stability? Decisions, decisions.

I think I want to start my own business

I have always thought that the ultimate goal in life would be to have a job that I love, one that didn't seem like work. As I get older (yes, I did say that!), I am starting to really think about the possibilities of starting my own business - one that would allow me to work from home, or on my own terms - and preferably in a warm country south of me. A coworker of mine is on her way to doing this, and has been a great role model, and a wealth of information to help me on my way. The only real issue now is 'WHAT?' do I want to do... so begins my journey down the rabbit hole of entrepreneurism...

I think I want to start my own business

I have always thought that the ultimate goal in life would be to have a job that I love, one that didn't seem like work. As I get older (yes, I did say that!), I am starting to really think about the possibilities of starting my own business - one that would allow me to work from home, or on my own terms - and preferably in a warm country south of me. A coworker of mine is on her way to doing this, and has been a great role model, and a wealth of information to help me on my way. The only real issue now is 'WHAT?' do I want to do... so begins my journey down the rabbit hole of entrepreneurism...

Public Admin & Governance

I am really loving this course! The only problem is that my social life will suffer for a little bit, but by the end of this course, it'll be one certificate, then another year at advance certificate status, and finally, a Bachelor of Arts in Public Administation and Governance. It's all good.

On another note, I may have another roommate again. Not that this is something I am looking forward to, but a little too many purchases over the holidays and probably too generous on my part in paying the bill, I'm just treading water. Those days are over. I need to be focused and I am not going to allow alcohol interfere with anything. I am going back on the exercise regime, not get caught up in mindless jibber by people around me. Driving is going along just fine... I am getting more comfortable behind the wheel and today actually ventured out in busy traffic.

So hello February!

A friend upt and quit his job last week, blasting another friend for being so bossy. He's in Mtl now, but will most likely end up back in Thunder Bay (where coincidently my cousin just gave birth to a baby - at 39/40, not bad! There is hope for me afterall.)

That's all...

tonite....

It's the end of 2007, and what a year it has been. As I prepare to get ready for this evenings festivities, I look back and celebrate how far I have come. Two years ago I could not have imagined that i would be where I am today. I have a lot of work to do in 2008 and there is no time for slacking. I must focus on what needs to be done. Naturally, the usual new years resolutions apply: more exercise ~ atleast get back to my weekly schedule; save money (paying bills off); do my driving test in the first 5 months; Ryerson course starts in January/February; and possibly Ibiza in the summer, with a side trip to Berlin/Hamburg. So those are my plans for the year. Ich habe keine zeit for messing around this year. Happy New Year.

vacation....

So now I am on holiday until January. I received an email from Air Canada on fare sales 'to my favourite' destinations... a few clicks and I was at the check out page for a flight to London - total price? $1000. I was like, what!? Where's the sale? The fuel alone was over $200. Well, having just received my Maple Leaf Lounge access (card) - I plan on making at least 3 flights this year (one work related so far). I need to make the most of that fee, I don't know what the hell I was thinking when I signed up for it. Oh well, its too late now.

No new dog either, I decided against it. Just don't have the cash to fork out for one. Besides, Silas would hate me if I got another dog.

more thoughts and future goals

So, after all the snow that fell last night, and as I watched it continue to fall today, I was not surprised when John called to cancel the lesson. Lovely. I knew that would happen. I had hoped to have these lesson closer together, while all the information is fresh in my mind. I can't even remember what the hell I am supposed to do first (other than putting the key in the thingy and starting the vehicle). I know I have to turn some lights on, fix the windows, and move some stick thing into N or D (if those are correct). No one around me has vehicles, my brother just bought a new car (sehr tuer!) and I can't see him letting me go out in that. My other friends have vehicles but I don't even want to ask (or accept their offers to practice). I'd be devastated if anything should happen). So while I spent this afternoon cleaning and getting rid garbage. I really am a packrat. I have pay statements from 1998. Out comes the shredder and no more statements. I made a profile on MSN Spaces (yes, I broke down and went for it) I even added all my web profiles, including this blog. As December begins, I have to think about what my goals for the new year will be. I need to get rid of all the negative influences in my life, I begin the formal process for my conversion to Judaism (something that was started way back in '90 but never went through with it) ~ I've tried to live as a jew, following the teachings, and now I feel I am at a place where I know this is what I was meant to do - I am not going to be swayed. Most people that know me well, are aware of my beliefs. If they don't accept them or can't respect me for my choices, what can I do? Not much. It is my decision, and I alone must decide for me, and not for what should be. On another topic, all but one predictions were true. I have yet to meet this 'person' - but I know that I will, when it is right.

another frequently occuring dream

This one is just f~Up. I can't understand it, so I'm just going to throw out items, scenarios etc without actually going into a narrative...So in this dream, there is dark house, the main activity takes place in kitchen, I see a fridge, stove, table (more like a booth from some 60s diner). My aunt and I are in this house, the building itself is very narrow, there is a staircase leading to the basement and one upstairs. As we explore this house, there are areas that are hidden or passageways that lead to different areas - this building seems haunted. We return to the kitchen, and I am sitting with my aunt at the table, discussing something, when someone comes into the kitchen, and there head falls off and rolls on the floor. We both run around this house trying to find a way out and all the windows and doors are locked. There are only candles lit, and the flickering has cast shadows on the wall to expose the blood stained walls. I am freaking at this point and we somehow manage to get outside to a unpaved road. We are running through a forest with tall trees. We continue running as something is chasing after us. Finally get to a paved road and are running along the middle yellow line. Something is pulling my aunt up and as I try to catch up, she is rising up further away from me, I can see my outstretched hand trying to catch hers and I can't reach it and I am usually crying at this point, which wakes me up as I am actually crying. So I did go into a narrative. I only sought out a few meanings from the online dictionary. I also included some that I don't remember, but have had dreams about...

• To discover secret passageways in your dream, parallels to something new and/or exciting that is occurring in your waking life. It may refer to new opportunities, a new relationship, or a new attitude toward life. If you wake up before fully exploring these passageways, then it suggests that you may not know how to go about taking advantage of these opportunities or how to move forward with a relationship. Perhaps the newness and uncertainty of this discovery also makes you a little more cautious. This is a positive dream.

• To see a pigeon in your dream, suggests that you are taking the blame for the actions of others. Pigeons also represent gossip or news. You may be expressing a desire to return home.

• To dream of a porch, represents your personality, your social self, your facade and how you portray yourself to others. Consider the condition and size of the porch. In particular to dream of an enclosed porch, suggests of your tendency to distance yourself from others and your desires for privacy.

• To dream of an opened porch, signifies your outgoing nature and welcoming attitude.

• To dream that someone or something is in pursuit of you, indicates that you are refusing to acknowledge a certain viewpoint or idea.

• To dream that you are in pursuit of someone or something, suggests that you are being denied of your power and influence. You need to re-evaluate your strengths and concentrate your efforts in something more worthwhile.

• To see a red hot oven in your dream, symbolizes you will be loved by friends and family for your devotion and unselfish nature. Alternatively, it symbolizes the womb. You may be in anticipation or fear of having children. Consider the phrase " a bun in the oven".

• To dream that your oven is broken, signifies many vexations from children.

• To see a burning candle in your dream, signifies that good luck and hope will be coming your way in small and steady amounts. You are in a comfortable stage in your life and may be seeking spiritual enlightenment. Lit candles are also symbolic of intellect, enlightenment, awareness or the search for truth.

• To dream that you are in a dining room, represents your quest for knowledge and understanding. You may be reaching an important decision in your life.

• To see the woods in your dream, represents life, fertility, rejuvenation, and spring. Alternatively, it symbolizes the unknown and unconscious. You need to be more open-minded to discovering your potential and instinctual nature.

• To dream that you are walking through the woods, signifies your return to an aspect of yourself that is innocent and spiritual.

• To see a staircase in your dream, symbolizes change and transformation.

I have had this dream every other year since my teens. I haven't had it in a while, but the previous dream might be a indicator of things to come.

Dreams

Last evening, well, it was actually early this morning, I awoke around 4:30am and I was terrified by a nightmare - it wasn't the usual nightmare I have every so often (it has occurred annually) - this one was just different.

In my dream, I am in a house that is fairly dark/antique looking walls, lit candles, green/black wall coverings, redwood furniture, burgundy rug (Persian style), a wall that looks like it has window shutters with a round or warped round shape in brick on the wall, it looks like it was a window but is blocked by bricks and could be picture or something. I am playing a game (video). I also find myself getting on a plane going somewhere back and forth (short distance), but I am always in a waiting area to board planes and when I get off the plane I am in front of a ATM machine. At one point I get on the plane and it is the last plane going across the country (west). I remember thinking, great, now I will have to wait forever before I can get home. When I return, I am back in the house, and playing the game. At this point, I am not happy to play this game, but something is forcing me to do it. I am no longer in control. I see myself flying over a neighbourhood, I point at different houses and see things happening inside, I am able to make things happen. I have powers to control what happens. I start to panic as I make flames on a stove with a frying pan and then I am pushing a person crossing the street - these are incidents that I see and control. To think I am able to have all this power is scary and I want it to stop. I then find myself sitting in a dinning room floor while playing this game. I don't want to play anymore, I put the game down and lie on the floor but the cord of the game controller seems to grow longer and is trying to wrap itself around me to strangle me. I panic again as I look at the wall with the object/window shutters, it appears to move / breath. I feel as if there is something in the room, evil, and my heart beats quicker as I try and find a way out. I feel trapped and I can't stop the evil from taking over. For some reason, I end up ordering a guidebook (now, why I would do this is beyond me...) and it tells me to quit the game I have to enter some combination code and say I don't want to play anymore. The dream ends when I wake up and I am sweating and having a hard time breathing. I feel exhausted as if I have been somewhere.

So I need to understand what the hell that was all about. I couldn't sleep afterwards at least until it was light out and I had found a distraction...I was exhausted and ended up calling in sick. I always feel guilty when I call in - why should I ?

Meaning source: dreammoods.com

• To dream that you computer has a mind of its own, denotes anxiety about technology and loss of control. You are feeling overwhelmed and feel that you are at the mercy of another.

• To see a frying pan in your dream, represents completeness in love. Alternatively, it suggests that you need to start accepting the consequences of your actions. You may have found yourself in an inescapable situation.

• To dream that you are in a panic, indicates a lack of control and power in your life. You may be feeling helpless in some situation or unable to make a clear decision.

• To dream that you are a passenger, suggests that you are not in control of your life and are letting others decide for you. To see other passengers signifies, that you are spending too much energy pleasing others. You may feel that others are leeching on you.

• To see a blurry picture in your dream, suggests that your memory of the depicted event, incident, or people, is fading. Perhaps you need to let go of the past and stop holding on to what was and concentrate on what is. On the other hand, you are attempting to disguise a situation and refusing to see it as it really is. You need to learn acceptance.

• To dream that you are playing, suggests your tendency to go against the norm and break the rules of convention. You have unrestricted creativity. Alternatively, it may be an indication that you are all work and no play.

• To dream that you are pointing at someone or something, indicates that you need to pay more attention to that particular person or object. They may be showing you the way to solving a problem in your waking life.

• To dream that you are possessed, represents your state of helplessness and not being in control of things.

• To dream that you have power, indicates your growing confidence, high self-esteem and increasing skills. Alternatively, your dream of power may try to compensate for a waking situation in which you were powerless.

• To dream that you feel fear, signifies that you achievements will not be as successful as you had anticipated. You are having anxieties in certain circumstances of your life.

• To dream that you do not have enough oxygen, suggests that you are feeling suffocated or smothered by a situation in your life.

• To see a cable in your dream, represents your stamina and durability. If the cable is frayed or broken, then it signifies a lack of strength.

• To see a burning candle in your dream, signifies that good luck and hope will be coming your way in small and steady amounts. You are in a comfortable stage in your life and may be seeking spiritual enlightenment. Lit candles are also symbolic of intellect, enlightenment, awareness or the search for truth.

• To dream of being or going abroad, indicates an unbalance and chaos to your current situation and condition. Consequently, you the dream represents you need for change in scenery. Alternatively, you may need to expand your horizons and make some drastic changes in your life. You are experiencing a new sense of spirituality. Lastly, the dream could also indicate a new to escape a current situation.

• To see an airplane in your dream, indicates that you will overcome your obstacles and rise above to a new level of prominence and status. You may experience a higher consciousness, new-found freedom and greater awareness.

• To dream that you transfer planes, implies an important transitional phase in your life which will take you away from your intended path. Changes will occur in your life which will take you to new directions and new heights of status and recognition.

• To see demons in your dream, represents ignorance, negativity, distress or your shadow self. It also forewarns of overindulgence and letting lust give way to your better judgment. As a result, your physical and mental health may suffer.

• To see the devil in your dream, signifies negative aspects of yourself. It may also indicate feelings of guilt that you have been harboring. It is time to release these feelings. Alternatively, the devil may represent intelligence, cunningness, deception, and cleverness.

• To dream that you fought off the devil, symbolizes that you will succeed in defeating your enemies.

• To dream that you are in a dining room, represents your quest for knowledge and understanding. You may be reaching an important decision in your life.

• To dream that you are playing a video game, represents your ability to manipulate others into doing what you want them to do. Alternatively, it suggests that you are trying to escape and not confront the stress and problems in your real life. Consider the type of video game for additional insights.

• To see or dream that you are a character in a video game, suggests that you are feeling controlled and manipulated by others. You feel that you have no control over your actions or are not taking responsibility for them.

• To dream that you are making a voyage in your dream, foretells of an inheritance.

• To see a wall in your dream, signifies limitations. obstacles and boundaries. There is a barrier obstructing your progress. You may have been accustomed to your old habits and way of thinking.

• To dream of going west, represents fulfillment, opportunities, and growth. Alternatively, it may symbolize an ending of something, death, or old age.

• To see shut windows in your dream, signifies desertion and abandonment.

• To see a wire in your dream, symbolizes your short but frequent journeys.

• To dream that you or someone else is being strangled, denotes that you are repressing or denying a vital aspect of your expression.

• To dream that you are suffocating, signifies that you are feeling smothered or oppressed by some situation/relationship. Something or someone is holding your back. You are experiencing stress and tension.

I guess that's food for thought....

My First In-car Driving Lesson

I finally had my first in-car lesson. Oh my g~d, I can't believe I was driving down the road, went through the lights, at which point I started to panic because I thought, oh g~d, please don't let me crash. It was amazing! I'm laughing to myself as I go over that whole lesson - I was like, oh wait there's someone walking down the street, oh there's a car on that side of the road - meanwhile both were far enough away :-) My instructor said that my ideal driving conditions would be a road to myself, since I am not confident with other people, cars on the road. Ha, isn't that the truth. Anyhow, over time, I am sure it will get better.

My next lesson is next Saturday, and I get to practice turning... now I really wish I had someone to practice with.