Love is love is love is love

Finally

It's been over a year since I last wrote or had anything worthy of writing. Everything is the same, busy, stressed, struggling to stay afloat while trying to figure out where I am heading. Things are slowing coming together and making some sense - essentially I know what I don't want in my life, and have spent the past 9 months of getting rid of those things. I've tossed things that I once regarded as memories - they weren't memories, they were chains holding me back from living my life. Once I realised this and was able to emotionally detach myself from the 'things' around me, I felt as if an enormous weight had been lifted from my shoulders. I still have anxiety over things but its getting easier to let go. I finally am cutting ties with my past - including people that I had once respected, but who appear much different now that they are no longer in my life. It is very refreshing to see things differently - to not react or respond to my usual triggers. I'm not quite at a place where I know what I want, I am isolating myself and I'm okay with that. I'd rather stay in and not face life or society or people.. the city is getting more crowed, the commute is longer and people are selfish.

While in PA recently, I saw this book at the 2nd and Charles bookstore.. I had to get it because it had my name all over it:

Tidy the F*ck Up: The American Art of Organizing Your Sh*t

I think I want to start my own business

I have always thought that the ultimate goal in life would be to have a job that I love, one that didn't seem like work. As I get older (yes, I did say that!), I am starting to really think about the possibilities of starting my own business - one that would allow me to work from home, or on my own terms - and preferably in a warm country south of me. A coworker of mine is on her way to doing this, and has been a great role model, and a wealth of information to help me on my way. The only real issue now is 'WHAT?' do I want to do... so begins my journey down the rabbit hole of entrepreneurism...

I think I want to start my own business

I have always thought that the ultimate goal in life would be to have a job that I love, one that didn't seem like work. As I get older (yes, I did say that!), I am starting to really think about the possibilities of starting my own business - one that would allow me to work from home, or on my own terms - and preferably in a warm country south of me. A coworker of mine is on her way to doing this, and has been a great role model, and a wealth of information to help me on my way. The only real issue now is 'WHAT?' do I want to do... so begins my journey down the rabbit hole of entrepreneurism...

Seriously.

Such a lovely winter we had here in TO and I absolutely hate it. Life is going well with the BF but I am having my doubts. Lately I have been soooo stressed that I can't think properly and I just want to get in the car and drive away, never to return to this sad city. I wish I could be that person...

summer time

I have completed my assignments finally, well, early and I don't give a toss if they barely pass - its finished. i am planning vacation on august 5 - for just under 2 weeks, and I was hoping to go to Paris and Berlin - I need to email Anne in Paris for accomo's and then Andreas - if either are not available, I won't be going...

I just signed up with Google Lively - its froze my computer twice... but then again I think its my sound card that's screwing up. Itunes did the same thing and something on myspace as well.

I miss my online friends. I haven't been on facebook in almost a week... wow, and the planet didn't fall out of alignment!

and I was talking about dieting...

words to live by, I suppose.

Dreams

Last evening, well, it was actually early this morning, I awoke around 4:30am and I was terrified by a nightmare - it wasn't the usual nightmare I have every so often (it has occurred annually) - this one was just different.

In my dream, I am in a house that is fairly dark/antique looking walls, lit candles, green/black wall coverings, redwood furniture, burgundy rug (Persian style), a wall that looks like it has window shutters with a round or warped round shape in brick on the wall, it looks like it was a window but is blocked by bricks and could be picture or something. I am playing a game (video). I also find myself getting on a plane going somewhere back and forth (short distance), but I am always in a waiting area to board planes and when I get off the plane I am in front of a ATM machine. At one point I get on the plane and it is the last plane going across the country (west). I remember thinking, great, now I will have to wait forever before I can get home. When I return, I am back in the house, and playing the game. At this point, I am not happy to play this game, but something is forcing me to do it. I am no longer in control. I see myself flying over a neighbourhood, I point at different houses and see things happening inside, I am able to make things happen. I have powers to control what happens. I start to panic as I make flames on a stove with a frying pan and then I am pushing a person crossing the street - these are incidents that I see and control. To think I am able to have all this power is scary and I want it to stop. I then find myself sitting in a dinning room floor while playing this game. I don't want to play anymore, I put the game down and lie on the floor but the cord of the game controller seems to grow longer and is trying to wrap itself around me to strangle me. I panic again as I look at the wall with the object/window shutters, it appears to move / breath. I feel as if there is something in the room, evil, and my heart beats quicker as I try and find a way out. I feel trapped and I can't stop the evil from taking over. For some reason, I end up ordering a guidebook (now, why I would do this is beyond me...) and it tells me to quit the game I have to enter some combination code and say I don't want to play anymore. The dream ends when I wake up and I am sweating and having a hard time breathing. I feel exhausted as if I have been somewhere.

So I need to understand what the hell that was all about. I couldn't sleep afterwards at least until it was light out and I had found a distraction...I was exhausted and ended up calling in sick. I always feel guilty when I call in - why should I ?

Meaning source: dreammoods.com

• To dream that you computer has a mind of its own, denotes anxiety about technology and loss of control. You are feeling overwhelmed and feel that you are at the mercy of another.

• To see a frying pan in your dream, represents completeness in love. Alternatively, it suggests that you need to start accepting the consequences of your actions. You may have found yourself in an inescapable situation.

• To dream that you are in a panic, indicates a lack of control and power in your life. You may be feeling helpless in some situation or unable to make a clear decision.

• To dream that you are a passenger, suggests that you are not in control of your life and are letting others decide for you. To see other passengers signifies, that you are spending too much energy pleasing others. You may feel that others are leeching on you.

• To see a blurry picture in your dream, suggests that your memory of the depicted event, incident, or people, is fading. Perhaps you need to let go of the past and stop holding on to what was and concentrate on what is. On the other hand, you are attempting to disguise a situation and refusing to see it as it really is. You need to learn acceptance.

• To dream that you are playing, suggests your tendency to go against the norm and break the rules of convention. You have unrestricted creativity. Alternatively, it may be an indication that you are all work and no play.

• To dream that you are pointing at someone or something, indicates that you need to pay more attention to that particular person or object. They may be showing you the way to solving a problem in your waking life.

• To dream that you are possessed, represents your state of helplessness and not being in control of things.

• To dream that you have power, indicates your growing confidence, high self-esteem and increasing skills. Alternatively, your dream of power may try to compensate for a waking situation in which you were powerless.

• To dream that you feel fear, signifies that you achievements will not be as successful as you had anticipated. You are having anxieties in certain circumstances of your life.

• To dream that you do not have enough oxygen, suggests that you are feeling suffocated or smothered by a situation in your life.

• To see a cable in your dream, represents your stamina and durability. If the cable is frayed or broken, then it signifies a lack of strength.

• To see a burning candle in your dream, signifies that good luck and hope will be coming your way in small and steady amounts. You are in a comfortable stage in your life and may be seeking spiritual enlightenment. Lit candles are also symbolic of intellect, enlightenment, awareness or the search for truth.

• To dream of being or going abroad, indicates an unbalance and chaos to your current situation and condition. Consequently, you the dream represents you need for change in scenery. Alternatively, you may need to expand your horizons and make some drastic changes in your life. You are experiencing a new sense of spirituality. Lastly, the dream could also indicate a new to escape a current situation.

• To see an airplane in your dream, indicates that you will overcome your obstacles and rise above to a new level of prominence and status. You may experience a higher consciousness, new-found freedom and greater awareness.

• To dream that you transfer planes, implies an important transitional phase in your life which will take you away from your intended path. Changes will occur in your life which will take you to new directions and new heights of status and recognition.

• To see demons in your dream, represents ignorance, negativity, distress or your shadow self. It also forewarns of overindulgence and letting lust give way to your better judgment. As a result, your physical and mental health may suffer.

• To see the devil in your dream, signifies negative aspects of yourself. It may also indicate feelings of guilt that you have been harboring. It is time to release these feelings. Alternatively, the devil may represent intelligence, cunningness, deception, and cleverness.

• To dream that you fought off the devil, symbolizes that you will succeed in defeating your enemies.

• To dream that you are in a dining room, represents your quest for knowledge and understanding. You may be reaching an important decision in your life.

• To dream that you are playing a video game, represents your ability to manipulate others into doing what you want them to do. Alternatively, it suggests that you are trying to escape and not confront the stress and problems in your real life. Consider the type of video game for additional insights.

• To see or dream that you are a character in a video game, suggests that you are feeling controlled and manipulated by others. You feel that you have no control over your actions or are not taking responsibility for them.

• To dream that you are making a voyage in your dream, foretells of an inheritance.

• To see a wall in your dream, signifies limitations. obstacles and boundaries. There is a barrier obstructing your progress. You may have been accustomed to your old habits and way of thinking.

• To dream of going west, represents fulfillment, opportunities, and growth. Alternatively, it may symbolize an ending of something, death, or old age.

• To see shut windows in your dream, signifies desertion and abandonment.

• To see a wire in your dream, symbolizes your short but frequent journeys.

• To dream that you or someone else is being strangled, denotes that you are repressing or denying a vital aspect of your expression.

• To dream that you are suffocating, signifies that you are feeling smothered or oppressed by some situation/relationship. Something or someone is holding your back. You are experiencing stress and tension.

I guess that's food for thought....