It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas…

This year, I am going to be more prepared and in the festive spirit. And there will be no ‘spirits’ this year, it’s time to put them to rest and don’t look back. Enough of that already. Since January 31, I have lost 37 lbs which is unbelievable, but I know once the Wegovy ends, I’ll likely gain 10 lbs back, but hopefully no more. I need to increase the movement and strength training because I am losing muscle. I must get to that gym. 

These pugs are so darn cute and Moana has a voice that I really should record. She can be very loud and it’s hilarious to listen to her. I need to incorporate more walks during the day because they need to get outdoors. It’s not too cold for them right now, so it’s ideal weather. Later when it is colder and there’s snow on the ground, they may not want to get out - although something tells me that Moana will still want to get out. I wish I had a house with a backyard that she can run around. Sometimes I feel like I should just give them up to a family that will take them out and feed them properly; not like how I look after them. Walks that last 20 minutes, and feeding them anything with lots of treats throughout the day. I only have to think about my baby Cosette to see how wrong that is. I really need to stop it. 

I need a new job or something that I can be accountable to me only. The workforce are being forced back to the office 4 days now and managers are not able to have AWA’s so my 2 days per week, is now 4 and I can’t flex my hours either. This is fucking bullshit - the entire workforce has managed hybrid for 5 years with no issues, but no, fat fuck wants everyone to hang around a fucking water cooler shooting the shit. Like who does that - it’s not the fucking eighties dickhead. I hope ON wakes up and votes this crook in the next election in fucking 6 years. He and his other cons are milking the public purse and our tax dollars, and no one gives a fuck. I should move to my reserve so I don’t pay fucking taxes. 

It’s 07:34 and I’m sitting at work, no one is around. For a workplace that is back to the office 4 days a week, I’ve seen maybe 8-10 people in my office - out of the 40 or so that should be here. This is bullshit. These unionized workers can come in whenever, and if I dare to say to my staff to get in - I’ll be the bitch. 

Later. 

Hello World.. #covid19 opened my eyes.

I haven't wrote anything for some time and wonder if this even helps me. Writing used to allow me to express myself and sort through all the feelings and emotional upsets that continue to plague my life since I was a child. I've not moved forward and continue to repeat mistakes which will eventually be the death of me. My dreams are all lost - I have nothing left. The loss of both my pugs in February (Silas) 2020 and the traumatic loss of Cosette in October 2019 have left a hole in my heart and don't think I will ever recover nor do I want to.. I am more sad and depressed especially since I've been working remotely due to Covid19 - once upon a time, I would have loved to be working from home but it's made things more complicated and real. I realize that I am not in love with DS and don't want to be with anyone. I went and brought home two new pugs after Cosette left me - these two have been so active, and have kept me busy. Financially its been a bit much since the one pug needs an operation that is 5K - 7K. I don't know if I can even give them the best home they deserve. The lump of shit that lives with me needs to go and I think my life will be better. When I was here by myself and no guy in my life, I felt free and somewhat happy - no one to judge me, no one to say derogatory
shit to me. I need out.

Fall has arrived!

The weather has become much cooler in the past few weeks and leaves are changing colours. The picturesque landscape is beautiful and I'm looking forward to taking it all in. I am not in the best of places but I'm still here. I was in a groove a few weeks back - started using the ASICS app again, put in 2- 3 workouts/runs a week and was beginning to feel good. Yes, that will be followed by the sound of a 'but' unfortunately. I don't know why or what causes me to go off track, to throw in the towel so soon. I don't know if its work, relationships, feeling hopeless about the future - there are too many things swirling around in my head. Thanksgiving came and went and I can't say that I was thankful for anything, I sometimes feel as if what is my purpose, why do I continue down this road of doom and gloom. I can't get 'happy' really happy - the kind where "you feel it deep inside, and you know this by the big smile as if to say, if this were the last day of your life, it was all worth it" - that is the kind of happy I keep chasing but never finding.

Happy New Year - Will this be THE year...

Lately the weather has been miserably cold and snowy, when will this end?! I really wish that I could take off to a beach, but work and personal pressures are keeping me here at least until March. I have a new temporary job that is causing a lot of anxiety, but I feel really good when I am accomplishing things professionally - AND to be acknowledged for my efforts and achievements.

Early days at the 'condo' where both Silas and Raven (my black cat) sat on the ledge

I am planning a move soon immediately due to unforeseen bullshit circumstances in my condo. So its looks like I'm heading back to the city and closer to my work. I don't know for how long but eventually wanting to get out of the GTA - Niagara Falls is still there - don't really care about those friends acquaintances at that the farm anymore. It hurts when people treat you like an afterthought,  who don't care and expect me to be the one to keep in touch. This is why I am pulling back from everyone this year - why should I care or want to meet up with anyone, everyone lies, pretends to be your friend, pretends to care, but they are all self-absorbed phoney's. Someone texts me and I respond as soon as I can, but send anyone else a text??? ..... and its silence. When I see them, they are like, ah I saw your text but couldn't respond (you mean, you couldn't be bothered to respond). This is why I can't be bothered. I want to just get in my car and drive away from this place.. and go someplace where no one knows me, and I don't know anyone.

My aunt was down over Christmas and it was really nice to see her again - we 'get' each other, and if I had the money, I'd get a place and have her move in with us - but D. probably would not be happy... hell, he can't handle the dogs...

Anyhow, I will be reaching out to a realtor this week, and have her look at my place (need to clean it up first!) and see what minimal things I can do... Wherever I go - they MUST take dogs otherwise, I may end up back in a owner situation, where I will definitely look to see who the property management company is...

Kawartha Cosette on her way home

 I will miss this place, it's been a wild and crazy 10+ years, but its time. The people have changed, I hate the commute, and after spending time working in the government, I quite enjoy walking downtown, being close to so many cultural and outdoor activities - where people are diverse, and open minded.

California Dreamin' on such a winter's day

Well, it hasn't really been fall weather yet - after what seemed like the worst summer in my mind, we finally have the 30C weather I have been waiting for since last spring. Life appears to be getting better, more stressful, but I have the confidence to make decisions, do what I want and not care what about anyone else but me. Since February, I've lost 54lbs and down clothing sizes that I can actually wear things I never thought I would get into. D tried the diet but gave up after 2 months, and I'm sure has put back the weight he lost. I'm disappointment in him and that he doesn't try. I know what that's like and I think I waste to much energy getting him to do things. We are not going to last and I've already emotionally given up on this relationship. Once I sell up, I will pay him what I owe and move on without him. We don't have a relationship, we just occupy the same space. I need to start making plans and do things to get this place ready to sell. Save money and buy that place in the sun once I start my business.

Happy Birthday To Me

So 2017 has not been as eventful as I thought, other than me losing a ton of weight thanks to the clinic in Harrisburg, they have been so supportive and my eating habits have changed for the better. I feel that people treat me differently, one person who would never give me the time of day - seems much more open and says hello more often. I'm not sure what to make of this. I feel like I want to keep losing until I get to my target weight. I hate food. I can't stand eating, so I need to find a way to get rid of these hunger pains. I drink a lot of water, chew gum and keep myself busy to not think about food. Stress has taken over my life for now.

Sometimes I feel like this is my last year. I don't care if I live or die. I'm trying to get rid of the junk that I have been carrying around for years. I hold onto items that are tied to bad memories. I hate my ex-boyfriend who friended me this year on Facebook. How dare he reach out to me. I don't care that he lost his wife to cancer - he cheated on me with her. He broke my heart and wasted 10 years of my life on him.

I miss my Dad, he took care of me. NO ONE CARES ABOUT ME now. I don't get calls or emails, I"m expected to give to D all the time and I don't have anything - I don't care about him or the relationship. I just want to die. I bet the people at work don't say boo about my birthday - they give parties for everyone else, but I'm an afterthought - I just do everything and get nothing in response. I wish I would find another job, I wish that I can take the dogs and move away from here and say goodbye to everyone. I'm surrounded by selfish fucks who only care about themselves. I give and give and give, and get nothing back, maybe I'm the selfish one. I don't care, this is it for me.

I think I want to start my own business

I have always thought that the ultimate goal in life would be to have a job that I love, one that didn't seem like work. As I get older (yes, I did say that!), I am starting to really think about the possibilities of starting my own business - one that would allow me to work from home, or on my own terms - and preferably in a warm country south of me. A coworker of mine is on her way to doing this, and has been a great role model, and a wealth of information to help me on my way. The only real issue now is 'WHAT?' do I want to do... so begins my journey down the rabbit hole of entrepreneurism...

I think I want to start my own business

I have always thought that the ultimate goal in life would be to have a job that I love, one that didn't seem like work. As I get older (yes, I did say that!), I am starting to really think about the possibilities of starting my own business - one that would allow me to work from home, or on my own terms - and preferably in a warm country south of me. A coworker of mine is on her way to doing this, and has been a great role model, and a wealth of information to help me on my way. The only real issue now is 'WHAT?' do I want to do... so begins my journey down the rabbit hole of entrepreneurism...

People For Good "Babies" 60 second TV Commercial

LOVE LOVE LOVE THIS COMMERCIAL!

August 5, 2012

 Today is the 50th Anniversary of the untimely death of Marilyn Monroe. She has long been one of the Hollywood icons who I admire and also who I've amassed a collection of stuff on the late screen actress. Recently, while in NYC, I came across some limited edition portraits of the actress, taken by the photographer, Schiller.

The framed prints, taken around the time of her last unfinished picture, Something's Got To Give, feature the Marilyn in a towel, emerging from the water, in the water, and some candid shots of her in the company of Dean Martin and Sammy Davis Jr.

A friend said that particular picture would be a nice picture to own and I had considered purchasing it, until I remembered that Dean Martin was no friend of Marilyn. In fact, according to the author's book, he stated that the likes of him and Hollywood were not allowed by Joe DiMaggio to come to her funeral, as they all contributed to her demise. I tend to agree.

So why would I want a picture of this man on my wall. I would have preferred one where she is alone. I'd have to visit the store again because I'm sure there were a few others that were more interesting.

some insight on measurement of time...

To realize the value of ONE MONTH,
ask a mother who gave birth to a premature baby.

To realize the value of ONE WEEK,
ask the editor of a weekly newspaper.

To realize the value of ONE HOUR,
ask the lovers who are waiting to meet.

To realize the value of ONE MINUTE,
ask a person who missed the train.

To realize the value of ONE SECOND,
ask a person who just avoided an accident.

To realize the value of ONE MILLISECOND,
ask the person who won a silver medal in the Olympics.



Treasure every moment that you have!
Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is a mystery. Today is a gift.
That's why it's called the present!