Hello World.. #covid19 opened my eyes.

I haven't wrote anything for some time and wonder if this even helps me. Writing used to allow me to express myself and sort through all the feelings and emotional upsets that continue to plague my life since I was a child. I've not moved forward and continue to repeat mistakes which will eventually be the death of me. My dreams are all lost - I have nothing left. The loss of both my pugs in February (Silas) 2020 and the traumatic loss of Cosette in October 2019 have left a hole in my heart and don't think I will ever recover nor do I want to.. I am more sad and depressed especially since I've been working remotely due to Covid19 - once upon a time, I would have loved to be working from home but it's made things more complicated and real. I realize that I am not in love with DS and don't want to be with anyone. I went and brought home two new pugs after Cosette left me - these two have been so active, and have kept me busy. Financially its been a bit much since the one pug needs an operation that is 5K - 7K. I don't know if I can even give them the best home they deserve. The lump of shit that lives with me needs to go and I think my life will be better. When I was here by myself and no guy in my life, I felt free and somewhat happy - no one to judge me, no one to say derogatory
shit to me. I need out.

Summer Dreams - Done

So the summer came and went so quick, so much that I didn't feel like we even had a summer! I've been feeling really depressed the past few months - my road trips have been solo and I like that. There is something about driving alone, alone with your thoughts, or just listening to the music that brings a sort of comfort - that I enjoy. I enjoy the silence. Silence Is Golden.

I've lost approximately 54lbs since end of January - and I still feel fat. I can't wear tight clothing without feeling like I have to cover up my fat. I'm not sure if I have an eating disorder or if I'm just used to being fat. I can't stand eating - I hate food, I'd rather starve myself than eat poison.

I love my job but I hate some of the people I work with. I'm going crazy from all the work I am doing and people I have to support. My fucking mouse keeps jumping all over the place - I hate my laptop too. What the fuck. I think I want to die. I know I want this all to come to an end at some point, soon.

Thoughts on Public Transit

The Toronto Transit went on strike for a little over a day - midnight to early evening Sunday, only after the mayor and province legislated a back-to-work action. As I sit here and read the same comments over and over, I don't understand why these people continue to write away on the CBC's website - how many people read these comments, who are you reaching? Will this really make a difference? Probably not, the same crap occurred a few years back and although the same forum was not widely used, but nevertheless the same feelings were being expressed on local television broadcasts. Its a waste of time complaining - if you are not apart of the solution, you are part of the problem. That's it. No matter where you go, every city has its fair share of problems - in Berlin, the stop I take most often does not have a ticket collector, you validate your ticket and hop on the train. In Paris, you validate your ticket on the way 'out' of the station. Berlin has its transit cops that walk through trains checking for tickets and if you are caught without you are fined. My feeling is, they most likely have the backing of government funding, more so than Toronto's - but they have a very efficient system, you rarely have to deal with staff at all - so this would take care of the rudeness of transit workers here - put automated systems in all the stations, and get rid of ticket collectors all together. Put a barrier for the bus/streetcar drivers, so we don't have to look at their ugly mugs, pay your fair, swipe your pass - to get through the turnstile or to be let off the vehicle.

its always sunny in philadelphia

This show is funny, I just started watching it - Showcase marathon (I believe). Anyhow, quote: "excuses are like a-holes; everyone has one and they all stink". carmine from happy days guest starred and said that quote.