Setbacks, disappointment and helplessness

This Friday, Toronto's CNE (Canadian National Exhibition) will open its doors to two weeks of fun, rides, events; all signalling the end of the summer. I never like this time because it's when the wasps begin mating and they are more aggressive, which means I tend to avoid places where there are piles of garbage. Who am I kidding!  I avoid outdoor activities period. This summer was especially difficult for me because of how I managed change and uncertainty at work.

A few weeks ago my brother introduced me to his boss at a non-profit because he thought that I would be a great fit for a job that was opening up (my brother's) and I had mixed thoughts about this. One, I honestly am tired of operations as a job - I dislike managing people, I hate financials, and I definitely wouldn't want to follow in my brother's footsteps - he's the complete opposite of me and I would not live up to his reputation. I tried to tell him that I wasn't interested but he kept pushing it as a great move that could open doors later on down the road. I had the interview last week, and honestly, I failed miserably.

I don't do well at these things - I lack confidence and it shows. I don't have a presence, people look at me as the 'finance person' in the back office - not up front. While I didn't think I had a shot, there was a slight hope that this would be an option, but today, learned they were going with someone else. The ED said it was more about the optics of being the sister and how this would look for the organization. I thought that was a poor excuse - since this would happen with anyone - the aboriginal community is small, and everyone is related to everyone. So this has left me feeling inadequate AGAIN.

My brother tries to lift my spirits saying, 'it was probably a blessing in disguise', and that there were some personalities their that could be challenging, but thought I could manage. The ED did say that if I ever needed to make connections, we would gladly help in that way. I may take him up on that - but I have my own network too. I need to tap into them now - and get some advice, pointers - so I can make this business idea work. I will be doing some work with my brother's company - so this will be a test to see if I have what it takes.

On days like this though, my self-esteem is in the toilet and I can't do anything.

Summer is almost over...

"A journey is a person in itself; no two are alike. And all plans, safeguards, policing, and coercion are fruitless. We find that after years of struggle that we do not take a trip; a trip takes us."

John Steinbeck

The summer has been busy with assignments and this research paper on sustainable development. Along with work and the personal issues with BF and the ex-roommate, it hasn't been easy to focus. Struggling with my own issues, I often wonder why I even bother with anyone. I feel as if I'm always giving and never getting anything back. Maybe I'm too used to being on my own, doing my own thing without the help of anyone. I don't like having to rely on others and I feel that as I start this new journey with the BF, things are going to be challenging. 

This year has been a sucky year for travel. What I missed this summer? My trip to the US east coast: Cape Cod/Orleans - Nauset Beach! and Long Island - Southampton.  I never went to NYC on my birthday either.  I returned to Pittsburgh and probably will never go back. I am going to Chicago in September. Next week I am going to Ottawa for three days and most likely will spend my time on my computer, with the exception of Sunday due to a wedding.

I'm in a rotten mood right now so I may come back and turn this around into some feel good post about being in the company of someone who loves me or I may not. My horoscope said it was a bad weekend in the love department. Below, some cheesy MySpace gif:)

winter and dogs

I don't like this time of the year. It's cold, slushy, icy and dog owners are getting lazy. There is nothing more I hate is when you have lazy owners who refuse to pick up their dog mess. What is left are dark spots cluttered around the snow and once the snow melts - its a mess. I make a good effort to always clean up after my dog - I only wish everyone else would as well. Anyhow, the weather is just one thing I hate about this time of the year. All of the holiday madness is over and it seems the 'festive' feeling is over and we are back in the dead of winter. January is my least favourite month of the year. I know I was meant to live somewhere warm.

Christmas is coming...

Another month and we will be full swing into the madness of christmas shopping. I normally wait until the very last minute to consider any gifts and by then, I usually buy a couple of inexpensive gifts with a card and some cash. I know, I should be more familiar with what ma famille likes, but I just can't put up with the stress of looking for gifts for people who are related to me by blood - I know nothing about what they really like. Really sad, I am trying to reach out and get to know at least my neice and nephew.

goals for the remainder of summer

~ driver's license for scooter! + safety course.
~ York University course signup, confirm
~ learn how to use Photoshop CS or another programme similar.
~ get a smurfette dj drawing, even if I have to do it myself.