Social Media is going down a black hole

 When I first signed on to the internet so many years ago, I loved the connectedness that I found. I did not fear chatting with people online or speaking my mind (respectfully) to others and not fear being harassed or bullied. Now, in 2023, it seems everyone is driven by fame,  likes, free speech, bullying, bad mouthing and being just plain ugly to others. This has spilled out into real life and how people behave with one another. 

God I hate this woman, I'm listening to this vlog on YouTube and I used to like this woman, I just can't agree with most of which she's saying and she just doesn't give a shit if you don't. Like, you don't like it - you don't have to watch. Ya, that's a nice response to someone who has subscribed to her vlog and joined her Facebook group. I stopped following her on IG because I can't keep seeing the same shit on all these platforms. Update - not sure what mood I was in to say this, I think it really had to do with reality tv in general. 

I hate reality TV and will not watch any of the shows that I used to love watching because it's become too toxic and people are too much invested in prolonging this hate and toxicity. I don't blame Rachel for quitting VPR because she doesn't deserve that shit. She's better off going off and staying away from these low life pieces of shit dirt that belong in the trash and in the depths of hell.  Update - I quit watching all these shows, unfollowed everyone, and can't engage with any Twitter follower that posts this stuff. I'm so over this shit. 

Happy Not Celebrating My Birthday Day

Today I'm not celebrating another year on this earth, rather, I'm celebrating that I have survived. It has been an emotional rollercoaster over the past few months. I suspect that the stress at work played a big role in it. I feel as if I have been here before; standing at the fork in the road or crossroads and wondering which road to take as in the famous Robert Frost poem, The Road Less Travelled:

Somewhere ages and ages hence:

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—

I took the one less traveled by,

And that has made all the difference.

I have a couple of options but my intuition is telling me to take that road 'less travelled'. The signs are all there.  For the past three weeks I was enrolled in an TESOL class through Oxford Seminars. I signed up for emails a few years ago and never made it to one of their info sessions. I had always wanted to travel and look at ways to supplement my income. This never happened and yes, there is some regret not doing it sooner. I have regrets that I didn't follow through on that move to Berlin years ago. But in June, I finally made it to one and seriously thought about the possibility of leaving everything behind and travelling abroad for a year. Enrolling in this class would let me see if this is something I could do or even want to do anymore.

It wasn't until I found myself facing the reality of facing the unknown at work, getting a lead for a potential new job doing the same work of managing operations. Do I stay in uncertainty or go for stability? Decisions, decisions.

Happy Birthday To Me

So 2017 has not been as eventful as I thought, other than me losing a ton of weight thanks to the clinic in Harrisburg, they have been so supportive and my eating habits have changed for the better. I feel that people treat me differently, one person who would never give me the time of day - seems much more open and says hello more often. I'm not sure what to make of this. I feel like I want to keep losing until I get to my target weight. I hate food. I can't stand eating, so I need to find a way to get rid of these hunger pains. I drink a lot of water, chew gum and keep myself busy to not think about food. Stress has taken over my life for now.

Sometimes I feel like this is my last year. I don't care if I live or die. I'm trying to get rid of the junk that I have been carrying around for years. I hold onto items that are tied to bad memories. I hate my ex-boyfriend who friended me this year on Facebook. How dare he reach out to me. I don't care that he lost his wife to cancer - he cheated on me with her. He broke my heart and wasted 10 years of my life on him.

I miss my Dad, he took care of me. NO ONE CARES ABOUT ME now. I don't get calls or emails, I"m expected to give to D all the time and I don't have anything - I don't care about him or the relationship. I just want to die. I bet the people at work don't say boo about my birthday - they give parties for everyone else, but I'm an afterthought - I just do everything and get nothing in response. I wish I would find another job, I wish that I can take the dogs and move away from here and say goodbye to everyone. I'm surrounded by selfish fucks who only care about themselves. I give and give and give, and get nothing back, maybe I'm the selfish one. I don't care, this is it for me.

Summer Rain

I remember.... listening to Belinda Carlisle, brings me back to those summers where I sat reading in my room or writing essays, or pretending that my life was better than how I FELT. When I found myself with one individual, I trully felt that he was the one. But he broke my heart, and shortly afterwards, my life changed so much that I don't think I could ever come back. In fact, I don't think I was ever in a place of happiness. My life seems to have always been one where I am pleasing others, and my needs have always been put on the backburner. M tried to understand me but I don't think he could have truly understood. He recently came back into my life by way of social media, and I think it has impacted me in the way that one's past has come back to haunt me. He was always what I wanted and aspired to end up with, but I went down the rabbit hole and never came back. I feel the only option I have these days is to just throw the towel in and a call it a day. I'm just waiting for my puppies to go before me.. D is not for me. I hate him. He killed my spirit more than he will ever know.

I think I want to start my own business

I have always thought that the ultimate goal in life would be to have a job that I love, one that didn't seem like work. As I get older (yes, I did say that!), I am starting to really think about the possibilities of starting my own business - one that would allow me to work from home, or on my own terms - and preferably in a warm country south of me. A coworker of mine is on her way to doing this, and has been a great role model, and a wealth of information to help me on my way. The only real issue now is 'WHAT?' do I want to do... so begins my journey down the rabbit hole of entrepreneurism...

I think I want to start my own business

I have always thought that the ultimate goal in life would be to have a job that I love, one that didn't seem like work. As I get older (yes, I did say that!), I am starting to really think about the possibilities of starting my own business - one that would allow me to work from home, or on my own terms - and preferably in a warm country south of me. A coworker of mine is on her way to doing this, and has been a great role model, and a wealth of information to help me on my way. The only real issue now is 'WHAT?' do I want to do... so begins my journey down the rabbit hole of entrepreneurism...

ANTM - 2nd Last Week

Saleisha ? should win, she's very beautiful, natural, and has a very good personality. The other two: the boat model, and Jenna - swan song - who looks past it, too tired. Really, I think all of them have a chance if they want it. Again, Tyra went to bat for Bianca and I don't know if that was for the benefit of the show, but it sucked. Oh, right, I saw the funniest video on YouTube...Santa is a Jerk! Yeah, I am distracted. Today while talking to a co-worker, I took the conversation elsewhere, as if to continue a conversation from days ago.

america's next top model

I don't know why I continue to watch this show. Every season, same thing - and every season I can't stand Tyra Banks. Last evening's show (a repeat of last weeks) the girls go on go-see's. Of course, one gets lost, at some point three of them are in the same area, and one girl had to wear some sheer skirt and had bright pink underwear on - brilliant, despite being told at ep 1 to wear skin tone undergarments. After it was over, (or maybe it was before?) I watched an interesting CBCNW documentary on Haute Couture. All these 'society woman' discussing why they have closets full of designer vintage garments. What caught my eye was Karl Lagerfeld, he is an absolute genius. I will always remember the time I saw him in Paris, I was too stunned to do anything, but he was getting out of his Range Rover (with entourage) and going into the rue Cambon store. One of these days I will buy something, actually, I really want a trademark Chanel jacket and if I have to save for a year to buy it - I will...

Something like this one, but different, can't locate the picture of it...

My Space

I am addicted to MySpace. I've neglected doing my own web page, now I spend all my time looking for 'friends' people who interest me - share interests, and what's really great about this is I am really starting to 'know me' - or rather have a clearer understanding of who I am and what I want.
I read all these profiles and I think,g~d this is too weird, I am not the only one or someone else out there likes the same things. its been tremendous in relieving stress from work, I get stressed, I logon, and suddenly I am among 'friends'. Okay, so its a bit stretched - for now, its better than spending money i don't have on ebay or amazon.