Happy Not Celebrating My Birthday Day

Today I'm not celebrating another year on this earth, rather, I'm celebrating that I have survived. It has been an emotional rollercoaster over the past few months. I suspect that the stress at work played a big role in it. I feel as if I have been here before; standing at the fork in the road or crossroads and wondering which road to take as in the famous Robert Frost poem, The Road Less Travelled:

Somewhere ages and ages hence:

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—

I took the one less traveled by,

And that has made all the difference.

I have a couple of options but my intuition is telling me to take that road 'less travelled'. The signs are all there.  For the past three weeks I was enrolled in an TESOL class through Oxford Seminars. I signed up for emails a few years ago and never made it to one of their info sessions. I had always wanted to travel and look at ways to supplement my income. This never happened and yes, there is some regret not doing it sooner. I have regrets that I didn't follow through on that move to Berlin years ago. But in June, I finally made it to one and seriously thought about the possibility of leaving everything behind and travelling abroad for a year. Enrolling in this class would let me see if this is something I could do or even want to do anymore.

It wasn't until I found myself facing the reality of facing the unknown at work, getting a lead for a potential new job doing the same work of managing operations. Do I stay in uncertainty or go for stability? Decisions, decisions.

Happy Birthday To Me

So 2017 has not been as eventful as I thought, other than me losing a ton of weight thanks to the clinic in Harrisburg, they have been so supportive and my eating habits have changed for the better. I feel that people treat me differently, one person who would never give me the time of day - seems much more open and says hello more often. I'm not sure what to make of this. I feel like I want to keep losing until I get to my target weight. I hate food. I can't stand eating, so I need to find a way to get rid of these hunger pains. I drink a lot of water, chew gum and keep myself busy to not think about food. Stress has taken over my life for now.

Sometimes I feel like this is my last year. I don't care if I live or die. I'm trying to get rid of the junk that I have been carrying around for years. I hold onto items that are tied to bad memories. I hate my ex-boyfriend who friended me this year on Facebook. How dare he reach out to me. I don't care that he lost his wife to cancer - he cheated on me with her. He broke my heart and wasted 10 years of my life on him.

I miss my Dad, he took care of me. NO ONE CARES ABOUT ME now. I don't get calls or emails, I"m expected to give to D all the time and I don't have anything - I don't care about him or the relationship. I just want to die. I bet the people at work don't say boo about my birthday - they give parties for everyone else, but I'm an afterthought - I just do everything and get nothing in response. I wish I would find another job, I wish that I can take the dogs and move away from here and say goodbye to everyone. I'm surrounded by selfish fucks who only care about themselves. I give and give and give, and get nothing back, maybe I'm the selfish one. I don't care, this is it for me.

Happy new year and the start of something good

Yesterday, as I went to sleep at 3am, I decided that I needed to change my life for good because if I am going to make it, things need to be different. I need to take care of my health... my mental health and physical health have been impacted by negative life choices. Went for a walk today with the pugs, and they totally loved it. The weather is gorgeous for the 2nd of January...

Depression Wins Again

I have been feeling very down and upset with everything lately. I feel as if I can't take a day off work without being harassed for information; information which is readily available in a central area that my team should be able to access. WRONG. I don't get how people function around me. I am a fast learner, always have been, and I master any task at hand. It totally sucks when everyone around me praises someone who does nothing, or is the social butterfly of the office, and I'm made to feel like I'm not doing my job. 

Fuck off already. 

I guess I will get this reaction from anywhere. Perhaps I'm a threat to those who give only 50%, but it's the culture of the organization, cliquey, and dysfunctional. My own position is still only temporary and I feel as if they don't want me. For someone who needs positive feedback ongoing, I get nothing, and therefore my motivation is in the trash. 

Should I give a shit? No, if I could I'd tell them to go fuck themselves. This goes for the dumbasses I sit with on a board with my condo. I stepping down from that asap. 

Not sure where to go from here. Sometimes I just wish I would just die already. 

I think I want to start my own business

I have always thought that the ultimate goal in life would be to have a job that I love, one that didn't seem like work. As I get older (yes, I did say that!), I am starting to really think about the possibilities of starting my own business - one that would allow me to work from home, or on my own terms - and preferably in a warm country south of me. A coworker of mine is on her way to doing this, and has been a great role model, and a wealth of information to help me on my way. The only real issue now is 'WHAT?' do I want to do... so begins my journey down the rabbit hole of entrepreneurism...

Keeping Positive

So after a very short summer, it's seems it has come to an end. Time to get back into moving forward on a positive note. I wish I could say all is calm on the work front, but it isn't. I'm tired, stressed and am sick from all the stuff that's happening. I think this is a sign for me to move on. When you dread going to work, feel guilty when you are sick and call in...there's something wrong. The money and benefits are not worth all the pain. It will be hard to find another job, but that is my focus now. Time to close this chapter and start a new one, hopefully challenging and one that will respect me. 

A new road, the one less travelled - isn't that how it goes?