Setbacks, disappointment and helplessness

This Friday, Toronto's CNE (Canadian National Exhibition) will open its doors to two weeks of fun, rides, events; all signalling the end of the summer. I never like this time because it's when the wasps begin mating and they are more aggressive, which means I tend to avoid places where there are piles of garbage. Who am I kidding!  I avoid outdoor activities period. This summer was especially difficult for me because of how I managed change and uncertainty at work.

A few weeks ago my brother introduced me to his boss at a non-profit because he thought that I would be a great fit for a job that was opening up (my brother's) and I had mixed thoughts about this. One, I honestly am tired of operations as a job - I dislike managing people, I hate financials, and I definitely wouldn't want to follow in my brother's footsteps - he's the complete opposite of me and I would not live up to his reputation. I tried to tell him that I wasn't interested but he kept pushing it as a great move that could open doors later on down the road. I had the interview last week, and honestly, I failed miserably.

I don't do well at these things - I lack confidence and it shows. I don't have a presence, people look at me as the 'finance person' in the back office - not up front. While I didn't think I had a shot, there was a slight hope that this would be an option, but today, learned they were going with someone else. The ED said it was more about the optics of being the sister and how this would look for the organization. I thought that was a poor excuse - since this would happen with anyone - the aboriginal community is small, and everyone is related to everyone. So this has left me feeling inadequate AGAIN.

My brother tries to lift my spirits saying, 'it was probably a blessing in disguise', and that there were some personalities their that could be challenging, but thought I could manage. The ED did say that if I ever needed to make connections, we would gladly help in that way. I may take him up on that - but I have my own network too. I need to tap into them now - and get some advice, pointers - so I can make this business idea work. I will be doing some work with my brother's company - so this will be a test to see if I have what it takes.

On days like this though, my self-esteem is in the toilet and I can't do anything.

Summer Dreams - Done

So the summer came and went so quick, so much that I didn't feel like we even had a summer! I've been feeling really depressed the past few months - my road trips have been solo and I like that. There is something about driving alone, alone with your thoughts, or just listening to the music that brings a sort of comfort - that I enjoy. I enjoy the silence. Silence Is Golden.

I've lost approximately 54lbs since end of January - and I still feel fat. I can't wear tight clothing without feeling like I have to cover up my fat. I'm not sure if I have an eating disorder or if I'm just used to being fat. I can't stand eating - I hate food, I'd rather starve myself than eat poison.

I love my job but I hate some of the people I work with. I'm going crazy from all the work I am doing and people I have to support. My fucking mouse keeps jumping all over the place - I hate my laptop too. What the fuck. I think I want to die. I know I want this all to come to an end at some point, soon.

Happy Birthday To Me

So 2017 has not been as eventful as I thought, other than me losing a ton of weight thanks to the clinic in Harrisburg, they have been so supportive and my eating habits have changed for the better. I feel that people treat me differently, one person who would never give me the time of day - seems much more open and says hello more often. I'm not sure what to make of this. I feel like I want to keep losing until I get to my target weight. I hate food. I can't stand eating, so I need to find a way to get rid of these hunger pains. I drink a lot of water, chew gum and keep myself busy to not think about food. Stress has taken over my life for now.

Sometimes I feel like this is my last year. I don't care if I live or die. I'm trying to get rid of the junk that I have been carrying around for years. I hold onto items that are tied to bad memories. I hate my ex-boyfriend who friended me this year on Facebook. How dare he reach out to me. I don't care that he lost his wife to cancer - he cheated on me with her. He broke my heart and wasted 10 years of my life on him.

I miss my Dad, he took care of me. NO ONE CARES ABOUT ME now. I don't get calls or emails, I"m expected to give to D all the time and I don't have anything - I don't care about him or the relationship. I just want to die. I bet the people at work don't say boo about my birthday - they give parties for everyone else, but I'm an afterthought - I just do everything and get nothing in response. I wish I would find another job, I wish that I can take the dogs and move away from here and say goodbye to everyone. I'm surrounded by selfish fucks who only care about themselves. I give and give and give, and get nothing back, maybe I'm the selfish one. I don't care, this is it for me.

Summer is almost over...

"A journey is a person in itself; no two are alike. And all plans, safeguards, policing, and coercion are fruitless. We find that after years of struggle that we do not take a trip; a trip takes us."

John Steinbeck

The summer has been busy with assignments and this research paper on sustainable development. Along with work and the personal issues with BF and the ex-roommate, it hasn't been easy to focus. Struggling with my own issues, I often wonder why I even bother with anyone. I feel as if I'm always giving and never getting anything back. Maybe I'm too used to being on my own, doing my own thing without the help of anyone. I don't like having to rely on others and I feel that as I start this new journey with the BF, things are going to be challenging. 

This year has been a sucky year for travel. What I missed this summer? My trip to the US east coast: Cape Cod/Orleans - Nauset Beach! and Long Island - Southampton.  I never went to NYC on my birthday either.  I returned to Pittsburgh and probably will never go back. I am going to Chicago in September. Next week I am going to Ottawa for three days and most likely will spend my time on my computer, with the exception of Sunday due to a wedding.

I'm in a rotten mood right now so I may come back and turn this around into some feel good post about being in the company of someone who loves me or I may not. My horoscope said it was a bad weekend in the love department. Below, some cheesy MySpace gif:)

online dating

So I have taken that step into the online dating world. I made a half-a**ed attempt a few years ago and again last year. What I have noticed is that it is very hard to 'trust' anyone these days. It will be almost 10 years since I first started communicating with dear Andreas, and we are still friends. There were a few years in between when I really felt I loved him and wanted to be with him. I had went so far as to research everything I needed to know about marrying him. When it came to it - we both realised too much time had passed, my job had become more stressful and I was not a happy camper all the time. I hadn't felt so much in love since I was with MA. My love is deep, enduring, and I really want to be in it for life. I've seen so many people get married, divorce, date, break up - and I just don't want to go through that. So now fast forward to these past few weeks, I've been out to a few of the bars, met some really nice guys, but no one I'd want to date. People say I am attractive, I'm fun to be around, I have a way of looking at the positive side of things, and I make them laugh. So where are all the guys at? (no need to comment here). I just have so much happening right now that perhaps it isn't the right time, but if not now, when?

more thoughts and future goals

So, after all the snow that fell last night, and as I watched it continue to fall today, I was not surprised when John called to cancel the lesson. Lovely. I knew that would happen. I had hoped to have these lesson closer together, while all the information is fresh in my mind. I can't even remember what the hell I am supposed to do first (other than putting the key in the thingy and starting the vehicle). I know I have to turn some lights on, fix the windows, and move some stick thing into N or D (if those are correct). No one around me has vehicles, my brother just bought a new car (sehr tuer!) and I can't see him letting me go out in that. My other friends have vehicles but I don't even want to ask (or accept their offers to practice). I'd be devastated if anything should happen). So while I spent this afternoon cleaning and getting rid garbage. I really am a packrat. I have pay statements from 1998. Out comes the shredder and no more statements. I made a profile on MSN Spaces (yes, I broke down and went for it) I even added all my web profiles, including this blog. As December begins, I have to think about what my goals for the new year will be. I need to get rid of all the negative influences in my life, I begin the formal process for my conversion to Judaism (something that was started way back in '90 but never went through with it) ~ I've tried to live as a jew, following the teachings, and now I feel I am at a place where I know this is what I was meant to do - I am not going to be swayed. Most people that know me well, are aware of my beliefs. If they don't accept them or can't respect me for my choices, what can I do? Not much. It is my decision, and I alone must decide for me, and not for what should be. On another topic, all but one predictions were true. I have yet to meet this 'person' - but I know that I will, when it is right.