I am ready to let it all go...

 I feel I have completely come to terms with life ending. I am ready to die. I would rather die now because I am so not happy with how thing are right now. That's it, I'm done. 

Hello my friend

 It’s already the end of April 2026, and so far the year is turning out to be a repeat of past years. I’m feeling defeated and not hopeful I will ever get to a place where I am happy. I’ve lost a ton of weight, yay, but for how long? Work is the same, maybe a bit easier since I’ve just resolved that it is what it is. If I keep this up, I’ll be dead before year end. 

Getting more frustrated with myself not being motivated to continue with the resin or jewelry work; this is supposed to be my 5 year plan on self employment. It’s supposed to be my out to move and live off grid or remote near the ocean whether on the west or east coast. 

Anyhow, this is just a check in and a sign to kick myself moving towards something different. A life I so deserve even though I don’t feel I do most times.  

J.

It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas…

This year, I am going to be more prepared and in the festive spirit. And there will be no ‘spirits’ this year, it’s time to put them to rest and don’t look back. Enough of that already. Since January 31, I have lost 37 lbs which is unbelievable, but I know once the Wegovy ends, I’ll likely gain 10 lbs back, but hopefully no more. I need to increase the movement and strength training because I am losing muscle. I must get to that gym. 

These pugs are so darn cute and Moana has a voice that I really should record. She can be very loud and it’s hilarious to listen to her. I need to incorporate more walks during the day because they need to get outdoors. It’s not too cold for them right now, so it’s ideal weather. Later when it is colder and there’s snow on the ground, they may not want to get out - although something tells me that Moana will still want to get out. I wish I had a house with a backyard that she can run around. Sometimes I feel like I should just give them up to a family that will take them out and feed them properly; not like how I look after them. Walks that last 20 minutes, and feeding them anything with lots of treats throughout the day. I only have to think about my baby Cosette to see how wrong that is. I really need to stop it. 

I need a new job or something that I can be accountable to me only. The workforce are being forced back to the office 4 days now and managers are not able to have AWA’s so my 2 days per week, is now 4 and I can’t flex my hours either. This is fucking bullshit - the entire workforce has managed hybrid for 5 years with no issues, but no, fat fuck wants everyone to hang around a fucking water cooler shooting the shit. Like who does that - it’s not the fucking eighties dickhead. I hope ON wakes up and votes this crook in the next election in fucking 6 years. He and his other cons are milking the public purse and our tax dollars, and no one gives a fuck. I should move to my reserve so I don’t pay fucking taxes. 

It’s 07:34 and I’m sitting at work, no one is around. For a workplace that is back to the office 4 days a week, I’ve seen maybe 8-10 people in my office - out of the 40 or so that should be here. This is bullshit. These unionized workers can come in whenever, and if I dare to say to my staff to get in - I’ll be the bitch. 

Later. 

Same story but new year

 Another year has almost passed, and I am no better from last year. I'm still obsessed with death a when I will finally cross over. 

Oh boy... 2025.

 Keep it up! 

Goodbye Summer

 I can't believe the summer is over again. I'm feeling so distance from everyone and not caring about anyone. I miss my babies Cosette and Silas and wish that I would just join them. 

Summertime Summertime...

 Well, mid way through summer, another birthday has passed. Didn't do my xmas in July and didn't do anything special. I hate my life. I hate my job. I hate the people I work with except for a small few... when will things change for the better. I am hoping to move away, but with the dogs, lack of work, I"m pretty much stuck having to work full time for now. D is going to be 67 this year and can retire. He's actively looking at places and I can't move. I need my job.. something that is so selfish of him to think we can move anywhere.. fuck my life. 

Quit quit quit

 gawd I should be happy with where I'm at in my life.. but I'm just spiriling out of control and just wish I would land facedown in a ditch somewhere. 

Happy New Year 2024

 Another year, what can I say. I'm listening to my 80s music and 90s dance stuff. what the heck. I miss my youth. I had a life when I was 18-19, and the years beyond. I wish I would die now. 

Merry Christmas and a happy new year

Another year on the books, and what can I say - has it been better than the last? Not really. I feel like I keep making the same mistakes; never changing my ways, and never learning from what I already know for a better fulfilled life. I'm not as obsessed with death and my eventual ending, but should be focused on what I can do to live my best life with the time I have. Also, I need to pay attention to my health. My habits need to change for better ones such as exercise, walking/running. Read more, eat/drink less. quit sugar. I've not been one to eat sweet stuff, but I can't stop. Candy, chocolate. bad. chips, and fries, need to go. I'm not getting younger. 

Goals for the new year - focus on learning some coding skills, writing, reading more. Hobbies - crafts, jewelry, playing the ukulele, calligraphy, journaling. 

Walks with the dogs - I joined one of those walking challenges - walk Paris (53km) within 2 months. It's something to get those steps in and get me outdoors. The dogs will love me for it- well, they will be healthier for it. When the days get longer, the walks will be longer. twice a day. 

We both are bad for this, but we both force ourselves as much as possible. 

I keep thinking of my babies Silas and Colette and me not taking them out as much. They loved it when I did. I can be such a cow. 

My relationship is one that I sometimes think I should just walkaway from because it's not healthy for either of us. We share the same goals of travelling and working abroad (not in Canada). Work right now is okay, and I've been busy doing a lot - but still struggle with staying focused. The #ADHD meds have helped tremendously. It's amazing how I can focus on tasks, but not all the time. 

Hopefully 2024 will be much better. I have a coaching group starting January and I think this will keep me on track. I've started using crystals daily, but need to focus on these: 

Crystals - rose quartz, lapus lazuli, clear calcite, green aventurine, hematite. 

Its the end of the world as we know it

I can't believe the assholes that own the MM home in Brentwood are looking to tear it down and build some god ugly piece of shit. I'm so mad, I wish I had 10M to buy that place because I would and maintain the damn thing. make a museum out of it - it was her only home that she owned and only lived in it for 6 months. I wish some wealthy fucker would buy it and turn it into that... 

https://nypost.com/2023/09/07/petitions-aim-to-save-marilyn-monroes-home-from-demolition/

sign whatever petition to stop this please!!!

the original post where it was reported it would be demolished..

https://nypost.com/2023/09/05/marilyn-monroes-la-home-faces-demolition/

Sunday August 20th

Hello and welcome back. Today we are going to discuss the Just B podcast with Bethenny and her guest, Rachel L. Shit, all those trash bags on VPR made money off of this event. Rachel/Raquel is still hurt but people are not willing to let it go. Hell, Ariana and Tom S both are cheaters. Ariana was such a bitch and I absolutely hated her in the early years. Tom S is such an ass but again, who cares. Why the fuck do I care about these fucks. 

 I would love to live in this apartment for 3 - 6 months.

Social Media is going down a black hole

 When I first signed on to the internet so many years ago, I loved the connectedness that I found. I did not fear chatting with people online or speaking my mind (respectfully) to others and not fear being harassed or bullied. Now, in 2023, it seems everyone is driven by fame,  likes, free speech, bullying, bad mouthing and being just plain ugly to others. This has spilled out into real life and how people behave with one another. 

God I hate this woman, I'm listening to this vlog on YouTube and I used to like this woman, I just can't agree with most of which she's saying and she just doesn't give a shit if you don't. Like, you don't like it - you don't have to watch. Ya, that's a nice response to someone who has subscribed to her vlog and joined her Facebook group. I stopped following her on IG because I can't keep seeing the same shit on all these platforms. Update - not sure what mood I was in to say this, I think it really had to do with reality tv in general. 

I hate reality TV and will not watch any of the shows that I used to love watching because it's become too toxic and people are too much invested in prolonging this hate and toxicity. I don't blame Rachel for quitting VPR because she doesn't deserve that shit. She's better off going off and staying away from these low life pieces of shit dirt that belong in the trash and in the depths of hell.  Update - I quit watching all these shows, unfollowed everyone, and can't engage with any Twitter follower that posts this stuff. I'm so over this shit. 

Hulu no longer available for me!!

 Well after many years of using Hulu where I am we've not received the message that it is no longer available. So much for that! That will save us $$$ from buying those cards in the USA and buying e-cards online. Doesn't matter, much of the content it had is now available on the channels we currently subscribe to. 

First Vacation (I mean 'real vacation) in Two Years!!!

 So 2022 is turning out a bit different than I expected.. I'm still in that mood where I don't give a rats ass what happens to me - but now things are opening up and can say things are starting to look better! I am about to head out on a beach holiday - one that I have waited two years for.. I can't wait. 

Home buying front - what a joke - I can't afford anything and anything I can is a dump. It needs to be torn down.. 

Stay Tuned. 

I'm burnTout.

For the past few months, I have been waking up my regular time, feeling tired and not at all full of energy. I drag myself down the hall and lift up my work laptop. Another day of the same ol', same ol' crap. I spend my days working just at a minimum (occasionally I do need to step it up and work straight through without getting outside, but mainly, I haven't been motivated to much. I don't even feel happy about anything, I spend my days obsessing with death!!! What the hell is wrong with me.. I feel as if I'm falling into dark pit that is covered with wet mud.. I can't get out of this. I finally called my doctor the other day and she gave me Wellbutrin 300mg. I hope it helps. Not sure it will help with my sleeping. I want to sleep a whole night without waking up!! I haven't done this in so long.. I can't even remember the last time I went to sleep at 10pm, waking up at 6am. without waking in the night. I don't know what to do. I have started watching California Preachin' on YouTube. This is Chynna Phllips-Baldwin channel and its the best thing I've watched in such a long time. I wish I had found this last year at the beginning of the pandemic, I think it might have helped me for a bit. But I struggle with feeling so alone and liking it that way. I'm angry. I sad. I'm fat. I hate food. I need to move now. 

Link to YouTube page: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UChv4fOIikMs3QbHWIuIZeDQ

California Preachin website - get some march!! I ordered some shirts and the zip jacket, I can't wait to get it

Summer in the city... pugs, real estate and new journeys

The summer is officially on the downward as we enter into what usually is the CNE and the end of summer. It hasn't been a great summer but has been a bit productive.. I finally ordered my kitchen, and really (no, really!!) starting to get rid of things and feeling hopeful that things will be better. I am still depressed and have anxiety over my life.. not having any vices to rely on is forcing me to really feel things which I am not sure I am used to. I want to get out of here as soon as I can so I can start a new life somewhere else. I love my job but feel that I need to get what I can out of it and start setting myself up to do better things. I know I can - I just need to focus and stop eating/drinking shit. The pugs are doing better - Moana is starting to get chunky and Lyric is just plain crazy. But I wouldn't trade them for the world. Yes, I still miss Cosette and Silas - I actually travelled out to where I adopted them years ago (Norwood, ON and Kawartha Lakes ON) and felt it was right that I drove through there on the way to Ottawa. Lyric still has medical issues but nothing that holds her back.. she's still on a low protein diet, but no meds. Will write again soon.. 

New Journey

I've spent the past few months dealing (well not dealing but coping badly) with loss during the past 1.5 years of both pugs and my friend. I feel sad about it and I'm trying to move on and live my life the way I want to. I'm tired of feeling regret about not taking risks early on in my life, such as moving to Germany. I don't want to feel as if I missed out so this year I've started to take care of me - I ended 2020 by participating in a freedom from alcohol 30 day session with a woman I found on IG. I feel as if that - coupled with the ending of my other med and adding a new med have been so helpful in my journey of being substance free. The alcohol situation was so out of hand this past year and this put about 25 or 30lbs on and now I'm struggling to take it off. It's very depressing but at least my desire to drink isn't as bad - in fact, I can't stand the taste anymore. Even when I do try and have a glass of wine - by the 2nd glass, I can't even finish it and I"m trying to force myself to drink it. I think that's a start and I feel that its the right move and I can't wait to continue this journey of learning and growing into the person I am meant to be. 

Goodbye my friend...

 Last month, I received a DM from a friend on Twitter. They told me that they heard a friend of ours had died. It was about 3 weeks earlier that I last messaged him (texts) and he never gave any indication that he was sick or dying or even really that bad. I was so upset by this but as time went by, I realized this is exactly how he would want to go. His Facebook page had posts up until October 11th in the early evening. He apparently died that day. I will miss him and had always thought we would eventually get back together because we pretty much were okay. I was surprised that he was living with someone as well. No mention of girlfriends from him.. but I sensed he was trying to get back with me, but he - like me - settled for what was the current situation. As I write this - I realize that maybe I don't want to do that or end up that way. Am I happy? I don't know. I've started this program that I found on IG on relationships with alcohol. I know I don't want to drink, and that for the most part, I drink as a self-destructive pattern - to escape dealing with issues that I don't want to deal with. the current other thinks I drink too much and that I need to stop. Every time I drink, I tell him I don't want to be with him, and then he throws that in my face - by saying he won't listen to me when I drink.. so goes the endless circles of drinking to deal with him, and then him not listening to me when I say get out. What the FUCK do I do about this??? RIP Joseph, I love you and will miss you dearly.