New year - new pugs

After losing Cosette, I was dreading the idea of losing Silas and having an empty home. I did search online for pug puppies and found a breeder down in SW Ontario. I went for a visit and found a black baby pug. After I left, I decided that I wanted a fawn one as well - and chose one that was from the same litter - two sisters. Once I got them home on November 4, 2019, the household and my life was turned upside down with parasites which was only the start of the problems. Moana (black) and Lyric (fawn) are both active and a delight, but I think it was too soon because I spent the first three months, mourning Cosette, and then in February, I lost Silas. Having the two puppies did help in keeping my mind off of it - but I still struggle with depression and anxiety. I drink more and don't feel like doing anything. After Covid-19 hit, that was it. I love working from home though.. 

In memoriam. Cosette and Silas

Cosette about a week before she passed.. I feel guilty as hell for not taking better care of her.. my baby left me October 5, 2019. 💔

Silas, a few days after Cosette left.. he being ready to take his on journey joined her on February 15, 2020. RIP baby.. 

Hello World.. #covid19 opened my eyes.

I haven't wrote anything for some time and wonder if this even helps me. Writing used to allow me to express myself and sort through all the feelings and emotional upsets that continue to plague my life since I was a child. I've not moved forward and continue to repeat mistakes which will eventually be the death of me. My dreams are all lost - I have nothing left. The loss of both my pugs in February (Silas) 2020 and the traumatic loss of Cosette in October 2019 have left a hole in my heart and don't think I will ever recover nor do I want to.. I am more sad and depressed especially since I've been working remotely due to Covid19 - once upon a time, I would have loved to be working from home but it's made things more complicated and real. I realize that I am not in love with DS and don't want to be with anyone. I went and brought home two new pugs after Cosette left me - these two have been so active, and have kept me busy. Financially its been a bit much since the one pug needs an operation that is 5K - 7K. I don't know if I can even give them the best home they deserve. The lump of shit that lives with me needs to go and I think my life will be better. When I was here by myself and no guy in my life, I felt free and somewhat happy - no one to judge me, no one to say derogatory
shit to me. I need out.