Goodbye my friend...

 Last month, I received a DM from a friend on Twitter. They told me that they heard a friend of ours had died. It was about 3 weeks earlier that I last messaged him (texts) and he never gave any indication that he was sick or dying or even really that bad. I was so upset by this but as time went by, I realized this is exactly how he would want to go. His Facebook page had posts up until October 11th in the early evening. He apparently died that day. I will miss him and had always thought we would eventually get back together because we pretty much were okay. I was surprised that he was living with someone as well. No mention of girlfriends from him.. but I sensed he was trying to get back with me, but he - like me - settled for what was the current situation. As I write this - I realize that maybe I don't want to do that or end up that way. Am I happy? I don't know. I've started this program that I found on IG on relationships with alcohol. I know I don't want to drink, and that for the most part, I drink as a self-destructive pattern - to escape dealing with issues that I don't want to deal with. the current other thinks I drink too much and that I need to stop. Every time I drink, I tell him I don't want to be with him, and then he throws that in my face - by saying he won't listen to me when I drink.. so goes the endless circles of drinking to deal with him, and then him not listening to me when I say get out. What the FUCK do I do about this??? RIP Joseph, I love you and will miss you dearly. 

November Blahs

This year has gone by quickly. Covid19 completely screwed me over in more ways than one.. I hope 2021 is much better.. 

its one year with these pugs and they are doing much better these days. Lyric is improving... we just came back from a few days near Lake Erie.. I definitely want to move there...

Furbabies

The past few months have been very hard to face and my self-esteem, mood, and resilience has been in the toilet.  The smaller pug Lyric had been having some health issues and it came to a head when the vets said she may have Pug dog encephalitis (PDE) due to symptoms she displayed while at the hospital. They put her on a steroid to help but noticed that even before putting her on the steroid she was starting to behave like her normal quirky self. Following her return home, I kept looking at her and not seeing our Lyric, which caused me to be in tears for days. She still wasn't behaving like her usual self. I was concerned that all of her training would have been lost since she wasn't responding to the basic commands (sit, stay, lie down, etc.). Last Saturday, she came back to the training, and I was almost in tears when she started sitting, staying during the one-hour session. She was back! I could see it in her eyes, she was back. 

Trying on costumes and outfits.. silly girls! 

Love is love is love is love

July already!?

Today is a holiday here in Canada, and most people are probably outdoors with family or friends. Me - I sat outside for about an hour and just did not feel like lounging in the heat. I feel very awkward in my skin.. I am gaining weight and feel as if I'm on that oh so familiar path of self-destruction. I have been spiralling for many months now and as usual I feel as if I have to escape or get away to not deal with the issues that have plagued me all my life. I know I am lucky that I have persevered and not succumbed to any of my unhealthy and dangerous actions over the years. I don't always feel that way though. I want to do so much and rise up and be a better person but I'm just not into it - I don't believe in myself anymore. I'm tired of living this life, tired of always having to put on a phoney face as I start my days. I can't even challenge myself to do anything. I tried to stop drinking once - which last all of 19 days. Last week, I lasted 7 days. So it's not like I can't stop - its just that I don't care enough about me. Watching the news or social media is so disgusting and makes me think that people are just messed up. People are cruel and selfish. I need some inspiration and hope to get me out of this funk. 

New year - new pugs

After losing Cosette, I was dreading the idea of losing Silas and having an empty home. I did search online for pug puppies and found a breeder down in SW Ontario. I went for a visit and found a black baby pug. After I left, I decided that I wanted a fawn one as well - and chose one that was from the same litter - two sisters. Once I got them home on November 4, 2019, the household and my life was turned upside down with parasites which was only the start of the problems. Moana (black) and Lyric (fawn) are both active and a delight, but I think it was too soon because I spent the first three months, mourning Cosette, and then in February, I lost Silas. Having the two puppies did help in keeping my mind off of it - but I still struggle with depression and anxiety. I drink more and don't feel like doing anything. After Covid-19 hit, that was it. I love working from home though.. 

In memoriam. Cosette and Silas

Cosette about a week before she passed.. I feel guilty as hell for not taking better care of her.. my baby left me October 5, 2019. 💔

Silas, a few days after Cosette left.. he being ready to take his on journey joined her on February 15, 2020. RIP baby.. 

Hello World.. #covid19 opened my eyes.

I haven't wrote anything for some time and wonder if this even helps me. Writing used to allow me to express myself and sort through all the feelings and emotional upsets that continue to plague my life since I was a child. I've not moved forward and continue to repeat mistakes which will eventually be the death of me. My dreams are all lost - I have nothing left. The loss of both my pugs in February (Silas) 2020 and the traumatic loss of Cosette in October 2019 have left a hole in my heart and don't think I will ever recover nor do I want to.. I am more sad and depressed especially since I've been working remotely due to Covid19 - once upon a time, I would have loved to be working from home but it's made things more complicated and real. I realize that I am not in love with DS and don't want to be with anyone. I went and brought home two new pugs after Cosette left me - these two have been so active, and have kept me busy. Financially its been a bit much since the one pug needs an operation that is 5K - 7K. I don't know if I can even give them the best home they deserve. The lump of shit that lives with me needs to go and I think my life will be better. When I was here by myself and no guy in my life, I felt free and somewhat happy - no one to judge me, no one to say derogatory
shit to me. I need out.