I'm burnTout.

For the past few months, I have been waking up my regular time, feeling tired and not at all full of energy. I drag myself down the hall and lift up my work laptop. Another day of the same ol', same ol' crap. I spend my days working just at a minimum (occasionally I do need to step it up and work straight through without getting outside, but mainly, I haven't been motivated to much. I don't even feel happy about anything, I spend my days obsessing with death!!! What the hell is wrong with me.. I feel as if I'm falling into dark pit that is covered with wet mud.. I can't get out of this. I finally called my doctor the other day and she gave me Wellbutrin 300mg. I hope it helps. Not sure it will help with my sleeping. I want to sleep a whole night without waking up!! I haven't done this in so long.. I can't even remember the last time I went to sleep at 10pm, waking up at 6am. without waking in the night. I don't know what to do. I have started watching California Preachin' on YouTube. This is Chynna Phllips-Baldwin channel and its the best thing I've watched in such a long time. I wish I had found this last year at the beginning of the pandemic, I think it might have helped me for a bit. But I struggle with feeling so alone and liking it that way. I'm angry. I sad. I'm fat. I hate food. I need to move now. 

Link to YouTube page: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UChv4fOIikMs3QbHWIuIZeDQ

California Preachin website - get some march!! I ordered some shirts and the zip jacket, I can't wait to get it

Summer in the city... pugs, real estate and new journeys

The summer is officially on the downward as we enter into what usually is the CNE and the end of summer. It hasn't been a great summer but has been a bit productive.. I finally ordered my kitchen, and really (no, really!!) starting to get rid of things and feeling hopeful that things will be better. I am still depressed and have anxiety over my life.. not having any vices to rely on is forcing me to really feel things which I am not sure I am used to. I want to get out of here as soon as I can so I can start a new life somewhere else. I love my job but feel that I need to get what I can out of it and start setting myself up to do better things. I know I can - I just need to focus and stop eating/drinking shit. The pugs are doing better - Moana is starting to get chunky and Lyric is just plain crazy. But I wouldn't trade them for the world. Yes, I still miss Cosette and Silas - I actually travelled out to where I adopted them years ago (Norwood, ON and Kawartha Lakes ON) and felt it was right that I drove through there on the way to Ottawa. Lyric still has medical issues but nothing that holds her back.. she's still on a low protein diet, but no meds. Will write again soon.. 

New Journey

I've spent the past few months dealing (well not dealing but coping badly) with loss during the past 1.5 years of both pugs and my friend. I feel sad about it and I'm trying to move on and live my life the way I want to. I'm tired of feeling regret about not taking risks early on in my life, such as moving to Germany. I don't want to feel as if I missed out so this year I've started to take care of me - I ended 2020 by participating in a freedom from alcohol 30 day session with a woman I found on IG. I feel as if that - coupled with the ending of my other med and adding a new med have been so helpful in my journey of being substance free. The alcohol situation was so out of hand this past year and this put about 25 or 30lbs on and now I'm struggling to take it off. It's very depressing but at least my desire to drink isn't as bad - in fact, I can't stand the taste anymore. Even when I do try and have a glass of wine - by the 2nd glass, I can't even finish it and I"m trying to force myself to drink it. I think that's a start and I feel that its the right move and I can't wait to continue this journey of learning and growing into the person I am meant to be.