California Dreamin' on such a winter's day

Well, it hasn't really been fall weather yet - after what seemed like the worst summer in my mind, we finally have the 30C weather I have been waiting for since last spring. Life appears to be getting better, more stressful, but I have the confidence to make decisions, do what I want and not care what about anyone else but me. Since February, I've lost 54lbs and down clothing sizes that I can actually wear things I never thought I would get into. D tried the diet but gave up after 2 months, and I'm sure has put back the weight he lost. I'm disappointment in him and that he doesn't try. I know what that's like and I think I waste to much energy getting him to do things. We are not going to last and I've already emotionally given up on this relationship. Once I sell up, I will pay him what I owe and move on without him. We don't have a relationship, we just occupy the same space. I need to start making plans and do things to get this place ready to sell. Save money and buy that place in the sun once I start my business.

Summer Dreams - Done

So the summer came and went so quick, so much that I didn't feel like we even had a summer! I've been feeling really depressed the past few months - my road trips have been solo and I like that. There is something about driving alone, alone with your thoughts, or just listening to the music that brings a sort of comfort - that I enjoy. I enjoy the silence. Silence Is Golden.

I've lost approximately 54lbs since end of January - and I still feel fat. I can't wear tight clothing without feeling like I have to cover up my fat. I'm not sure if I have an eating disorder or if I'm just used to being fat. I can't stand eating - I hate food, I'd rather starve myself than eat poison.

I love my job but I hate some of the people I work with. I'm going crazy from all the work I am doing and people I have to support. My fucking mouse keeps jumping all over the place - I hate my laptop too. What the fuck. I think I want to die. I know I want this all to come to an end at some point, soon.

Happy Birthday To Me

So 2017 has not been as eventful as I thought, other than me losing a ton of weight thanks to the clinic in Harrisburg, they have been so supportive and my eating habits have changed for the better. I feel that people treat me differently, one person who would never give me the time of day - seems much more open and says hello more often. I'm not sure what to make of this. I feel like I want to keep losing until I get to my target weight. I hate food. I can't stand eating, so I need to find a way to get rid of these hunger pains. I drink a lot of water, chew gum and keep myself busy to not think about food. Stress has taken over my life for now.

Sometimes I feel like this is my last year. I don't care if I live or die. I'm trying to get rid of the junk that I have been carrying around for years. I hold onto items that are tied to bad memories. I hate my ex-boyfriend who friended me this year on Facebook. How dare he reach out to me. I don't care that he lost his wife to cancer - he cheated on me with her. He broke my heart and wasted 10 years of my life on him.

I miss my Dad, he took care of me. NO ONE CARES ABOUT ME now. I don't get calls or emails, I"m expected to give to D all the time and I don't have anything - I don't care about him or the relationship. I just want to die. I bet the people at work don't say boo about my birthday - they give parties for everyone else, but I'm an afterthought - I just do everything and get nothing in response. I wish I would find another job, I wish that I can take the dogs and move away from here and say goodbye to everyone. I'm surrounded by selfish fucks who only care about themselves. I give and give and give, and get nothing back, maybe I'm the selfish one. I don't care, this is it for me.

Summer Rain

I remember.... listening to Belinda Carlisle, brings me back to those summers where I sat reading in my room or writing essays, or pretending that my life was better than how I FELT. When I found myself with one individual, I trully felt that he was the one. But he broke my heart, and shortly afterwards, my life changed so much that I don't think I could ever come back. In fact, I don't think I was ever in a place of happiness. My life seems to have always been one where I am pleasing others, and my needs have always been put on the backburner. M tried to understand me but I don't think he could have truly understood. He recently came back into my life by way of social media, and I think it has impacted me in the way that one's past has come back to haunt me. He was always what I wanted and aspired to end up with, but I went down the rabbit hole and never came back. I feel the only option I have these days is to just throw the towel in and a call it a day. I'm just waiting for my puppies to go before me.. D is not for me. I hate him. He killed my spirit more than he will ever know.

A road trip to Harrisburg, PA

It's already April, and the weather is starting to get nicer, the birds are singing, flowers are starting to bloom... and I"m in the mood to do some travelling. After what seems like such a long winter, I'm ready to get out there. Heading back to PA this weekend, exploring the area and possibly hitting up the Hersey factory. Harrisburg is a great city, they have a nice downtown area to walk around and grab some food at one of the many restaurants. Check out the National Civil War Museum, although small, it has tons of artifacts on display. The next trip will include a trip to the Gettysburg National Military Park. In July they have a re-creation of the Gettysburg battle. If I can figure out how to upload my iphone pix, I will post.

Getting Healthy and Fit

I've lost around 15 lbs to date. I feel healthy, I'm less anxious, sleep better, and have more energy. I've started running again, although not as often as I would like - we are still getting out. I'm ready to focus my attention on business ideas and making money on the side. I've been working on some ideas, but I need to sit down and flush some things out. I really wish that something comes up that I can do.. I need to be able to sustain myself if I leave my job. I would love to head to an island somewhere and open up a business - its a fantasy right now, but hopefully with some luck and perseverance, it can be a reality.

Happy new year and the start of something good

Yesterday, as I went to sleep at 3am, I decided that I needed to change my life for good because if I am going to make it, things need to be different. I need to take care of my health... my mental health and physical health have been impacted by negative life choices. Went for a walk today with the pugs, and they totally loved it. The weather is gorgeous for the 2nd of January...