Love is love is love is love

July already!?

Today is a holiday here in Canada, and most people are probably outdoors with family or friends. Me - I sat outside for about an hour and just did not feel like lounging in the heat. I feel very awkward in my skin.. I am gaining weight and feel as if I'm on that oh so familiar path of self-destruction. I have been spiralling for many months now and as usual I feel as if I have to escape or get away to not deal with the issues that have plagued me all my life. I know I am lucky that I have persevered and not succumbed to any of my unhealthy and dangerous actions over the years. I don't always feel that way though. I want to do so much and rise up and be a better person but I'm just not into it - I don't believe in myself anymore. I'm tired of living this life, tired of always having to put on a phoney face as I start my days. I can't even challenge myself to do anything. I tried to stop drinking once - which last all of 19 days. Last week, I lasted 7 days. So it's not like I can't stop - its just that I don't care enough about me. Watching the news or social media is so disgusting and makes me think that people are just messed up. People are cruel and selfish. I need some inspiration and hope to get me out of this funk.