Setbacks, disappointment and helplessness

This Friday, Toronto's CNE (Canadian National Exhibition) will open its doors to two weeks of fun, rides, events; all signalling the end of the summer. I never like this time because it's when the wasps begin mating and they are more aggressive, which means I tend to avoid places where there are piles of garbage. Who am I kidding!  I avoid outdoor activities period. This summer was especially difficult for me because of how I managed change and uncertainty at work.

A few weeks ago my brother introduced me to his boss at a non-profit because he thought that I would be a great fit for a job that was opening up (my brother's) and I had mixed thoughts about this. One, I honestly am tired of operations as a job - I dislike managing people, I hate financials, and I definitely wouldn't want to follow in my brother's footsteps - he's the complete opposite of me and I would not live up to his reputation. I tried to tell him that I wasn't interested but he kept pushing it as a great move that could open doors later on down the road. I had the interview last week, and honestly, I failed miserably.

I don't do well at these things - I lack confidence and it shows. I don't have a presence, people look at me as the 'finance person' in the back office - not up front. While I didn't think I had a shot, there was a slight hope that this would be an option, but today, learned they were going with someone else. The ED said it was more about the optics of being the sister and how this would look for the organization. I thought that was a poor excuse - since this would happen with anyone - the aboriginal community is small, and everyone is related to everyone. So this has left me feeling inadequate AGAIN.

My brother tries to lift my spirits saying, 'it was probably a blessing in disguise', and that there were some personalities their that could be challenging, but thought I could manage. The ED did say that if I ever needed to make connections, we would gladly help in that way. I may take him up on that - but I have my own network too. I need to tap into them now - and get some advice, pointers - so I can make this business idea work. I will be doing some work with my brother's company - so this will be a test to see if I have what it takes.

On days like this though, my self-esteem is in the toilet and I can't do anything.